There are tears ... lots of tears

By Diana Pearl
Updated August 22, 2016 10:00 PM
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The temperature in Paradise this week was … well … not so hot (emotionally speaking).

We picked up where we left off from last week‘s Bachelor in Paradise, with Ashley (note the dropped I.) crying while she’s talking to Jared.

Despite Ashley’s tears, Jared was pretty much having none of it and asked her why, in order to get over him, she would come to the one place in the world where she knew he would be.

“I hoped that I would like someone more,” she said, even though she had made pretty much no effort to get know any of the guys since arriving in Paradise.

“Nothing makes me happier than being with you,” she added, which was interesting because all she’d done since seeing Jared was cry.

Jared, on the other hand, ran over to Caila as quickly as he could to tell her that, despite the crying they could hear in the background of their discussion, he was not into Ashley and wanted to be with Caila.

However, we weren’t quite ready for a rose ceremony yet. Daniel was this week’s wild card rose – or as he said, the “Gandhi” “king of the jungle,” and the “President of the States.” How could the girls entice Daniel into giving them his rose? By bringing him grapes, fine cheese, wines, precious golds and artifacts. Yep, that’s what he was looking for.

Sarah did bring him something (although no artifacts in sight) – half of a cake for his half birthday. She wasn’t the only one who was putting the moves on Daniel: Emily pretty much forced Haley to kiss Daniel, even though Haley said she’d be on the verge of vomiting the entire time. She made it through without throwing up and thought she had the rose in the bag. Although let’s face it: Between cake and an awkward kiss – there’s pretty much no contest.

The last lady to try and make an effort to snag Daniel’s rose was Ashley, which was admittedly difficult considering she was still sniffling over Jared in between every word.

However, Daniel was very intrigued by Ashley’s virginity and declared that sleeping with her would be like “winning a battle in Vietnam.” You know, I think millions of Vietnam vets would be insulted by the comparison. There was also plenty of bleeping out in Daniel’s listing – and he encouraged her to “slut it up” and sleep with 10 guys at once. Ashley, however, appreciated the chat and said she thought she’d be getting Daniel’s rose.

Basically, all four women were confident, which meant there was bound to be plenty of heartbreak to come. Well, besides the twins, who said they were vulnerable (despite Emily not knowing what the word means).

The rose ceremony happened just as we thought it would: Izzy got Vinny’s, Lace received Grant’s, Amanda claimed Josh’s, Jennifer was handed Nick’s, Carly held on to Evan’s and Caila snapped up Jared’s. The final rose – Daniel’s – wemt to Haley, the one girl out of his options who was open (at least in the confessionals) about her repulsion she had for him. That meant Sarah and Ashley were going home.

However, we knew from the previews that Ashley and Wells – who hasn’t arrived in Paradise – are set to have a flirtation later … so what does it all mean?

And just as fast as we wondered, the gods of Paradise answered: Ashley returned with a passionate plea to the remaining contestants to let her stay, saying she’d turned a new leaf, so to speak, despite the fact she sobbing approximately 20 minutes prior to her speech. The twins said yes, because we know they appreciate the entertainment (if nothing else), and everyone else followed suit (excluding Caila and Jared, obviously.) Who knew it was that easy?! Someone tell Sarah!

The next morning, Ashley promised she would be a new woman – and then proceeded to lurk around Caila and Jared. The first arrival of the day was Carl, who was on Andi’s season (no one there, besides Nick, seems to remember). Emily set her sights on him, and it worked out: Carl offered her his date card!

The next to arrive was Brett, another guy from Andi’s season – the lamp guy, if you need a refresher. And yes, he brought another lamp this time.

Ashley was obviously hoping for a guy for her, but instead it was Izzy (a.k.a. one half of the longest-lasting couple in Paradise) who became intrigued by Brett.

Brett, however, was interested in Caila, which Ashley was ecstatic about. She encouraged Brett (“anyone is an option”) and advised him to ignore Caila and Jared’s growing closeness. For Brett, it was pretty good advice: Caila accepted the date.

Caila and Jared chatted, and he said he didn’t want her to go on the date (but was respectful and said she could do what she wanted!). At first, she changed her mind and said she wouldn’t go. Then, she decided to go. Then she decided to stay. And yes, she then changed her mind about a thousand (okay, two) more times.

Ultimately, after lots of back and forth, Caila did go on the date with Brett, and Ashley obviously took this opportunity to try and regain Jared’s affections. And it seemed that Ashley’s “new leaf” was just fawning over Jared again, just with less tears.

Meanwhile, the two dates – Emily and Carl and Caila and Brett – headed to what looked liked a booze cruise, because this season’s double dates are apparently all about recreating a college spring break trip to Cancun.

Emily was “riding Carl like Seabiscuit,” while Caila, on the other hand, was a little more uncomfortable. She refused a lap dance from Brett and then worsened the blow by telling him she was thinking about Jared and regretted going on the date.

Too little, too late, Caila. Jared had been talking to Ashley, who’d had all afternoon to tell him what a “backstabbing whore” Caila was. When the foursome returned from their date, Jared and Caila went to talk (with Ashley watching in the corner, obviously). They literally kissed and made up and then, yes, you get it, the waterworks began flowing from Ashley’s eyes once more.

“It’s like you found your soulmate, but your soulmate isn’t into you,” she said. (We think Jared would beg to disagree.)

Brett, meanwhile, was looking for a new potential rose donor and set his sights on Haley. He thought that she might be interested in Daniel, but Daniel was just about as far away from getting Haley’s rose as someone could be.

And then, just when you think things were already dramatic enough in Paradise, Ryan from Kaitlyn’s season arrived. Daniel, of course, was worried about Ryan trying to go for Haley. Ryan’s fellow veteran of Kaitlyn’s season, Jared, tried to steer him towards Ashley. But when Ryan tried to connect with Ashley, she pretty much only talked about Jared. So, unsurprisingly, Ryan did ask Haley out.

They went on a horseback riding date, which seems to be the ticket to love in Paradise. Haley was beyond into it. We didn’t hear much from Ryan, but he looked good on a horse, which is always a positive sign.

It wasn’t all drama and new romance in Paradise, however: Grant wanted to do something special for Lace, so he booked them a couple massage. Then they headed to the hot tub for champagne and strawberries, and he told her he loves her. (Related: JoJo, you don’t know what you sent home.)

Like Grant, Vinny was also falling in love with Izzy, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Brett and admitted she was having doubts about Vinny. So, without talking to Vinny, Izzy spoke with Brett and told him she was interested. Brett was basically like, “Okay, sure, but you’re also dating Vinny, so tell me when that’s over.”

Izzy told Vinny she was interested in Brett, and he was understandably annoyed – most notably because Izzy was attracted to someone wearing ripped jeans and sandals.

Everybody else was judging Izzy hardcore – the guys sided with Vinny, who was all but ready to pack his bags. Some of the girls thought she’d regret it. And even Carly, the nicest girl in Paradise, had to admit that Izzy’s interest in Brett seemed to be only skin deep.

Vinny knew he couldn’t leave without talking to Izzy, so he went up to her room. Izzy, however, knew she can’t have an on-camera breakup with wet hair so our final glimpse of Vinny saw him awkwardly waiting for Izzy to finish drying her hair. Riveting stuff.

Bachelor in Paradise continues Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.