The now-infamous villain from JoJo Fletcher's season of The Bachelorette took things to a whole new level

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September 26, 2016 11:46 AM

It’s back.

On Tuesday, Bachelor in Paradise season 3 premiered, fulfilling all of our hopes and dreams of spending the summer watching Bachelor and Bachelorette castaways hook up with and discard each other in a steady, seamless rotation, week by week. It’s a beautiful disaster and we can’t look away, so for that, we thank you, ABC.

Of course, the two-hour season premiere boasted the show’s signature abundance of alcohol, sloppy make-out sessions and tear-soaked confessionals, but what everyone will undoubtedly be talking about is the return of Chad Johnson, perhaps the franchise’s most infamous (read: hated) character.

If you watched JoJo Fletcher‘s season of The Bachelorette, you probably know a few things about Chad. Chad is highly aggressive. He eats a lot of meat. He once threatened to “come find” one of the guys after the show, and he also once threatened to cut everyone’s legs and arms off. Some of you might feel a tiny bit bad for Chad – maybe all those guys were picking on him, right?

Nope. Wrong. So, so wrong. Chad is actually every bit as alarmingly offensive as he comes across and as we learned all too quickly, the sunny beaches of Mexico bring out the absolute worst in him. (Well, they did warn us.)

Let’s begin.

MEET THE CONTESTANTS

Bachelor in Paradise season 3 cast
Craig Sjodin/ABC

It wouldn’t be a BiP premiere without the ’80s-themed opening sequence, so crank up “Almost Paradise” and try to forget you’re going to have to watch Daniel pouring maple syrup all over his glistening, Canadian body, every week.

This season’s charter includes twins Emily and Haley (they still say everything in unison), Nick (he will never not be known as be the guy who came in second on back-to-back seasons of The Bachelorette), Evan (still an erectile dysfunction expert), Amanda (still a mom just trying to find love) and Daniel, who might be the poet our generation didn’t know it needed.

Daniel: “You can’t get rid of me. I’m like a disease that won’t go away, like herpes or something.”

THE ARRIVALS

The first to be greeted by Chris Harrison in Mexico was Amanda, followed shortly by Nick. Jubilee was next, then Evan (“Oh look, it’s the penis guy”), then Vinny, Carly, Grant, Daniel and Sarah.

Daniel: “Hopefully there’s some better fresh fruit that comes in that looks not so worn out and not too ripe. Something that looks a little more crisp, a little more succulent and juicy. So far the fruit here looks like it’s been bruised in transportation.”

Like we said, the man is a poet, people.

Emily and Haley Ferguson
ABC/Rick Rowell

Then came the twins, followed by Izzy, whose unfortunate first conversation in Paradise was with Daniel.

Daniel (trying to flirt with Izzy): “Evan fixes d—s. Can you imagine all the ugly ones you’d see out there? Gross, eh?”

Lace was the last girl to arrive, ready to show off how much she’s improved since her days getting wasted on The Bachelor … followed swiftly by her ordering a round of tequila shots.

Grant: “I feel like I’m really, really good at reading people and I can tell that Lace is a mess. She’s hot, but I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with her.” Well, Grant, we already know from the trailer that you are going to hook up with her, so you might want to rethink that.

Jared was the next to arrive, which sent lots of the girls in a tizzy, especially Jubilee. The ladies love Jared. (Pour one out for Ashley I.)

And finally, where there’s a Daniel, a Chad is not far behind – so of course they had to save the worst for last.

WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT CHAD

The buildup to Chad’s arrival lasted what felt like a lifetime, with ominous music, waves crashing and birds screeching.

While the guys that knew him from JoJo’s season were dreading his arrival, the others were actually intrigued about meeting the notorious Chad.

“Chad could be interesting,” they said. “I think I’m going to like him,” they said. Oh, how they were mistaken.

After a quick chat with Chris Harrison in which he insisted he was looking for love, Chad made his way down to meet the group.

Chad Johnson
ABC/Rick Rowell

Chad on Evan: “I didn’t murder him, so that’s good. I didn’t rip his head off and shove it down his own mouth. Like yeah, I still kind of want to rip his head off and throw it in the water.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Brace yourselves.

THE FIRST DATE CARD

Once everyone had arrived, Chris Harrison took them upstairs to the “rose palapa” (yes, this is actually what they call it) to explain how the show works.

Throughout each week, the contestants will be going on (second-rate) Bachelor-style dates. If they get a date card, they get to choose who they want to go on the date with.

Each week, there’s a rose ceremony. If a contestant is not “in a relationship” as they head into it and don’t receive a rose at the ceremony, they’re sent home.

The first week, the guys are handing out the roses, meaning one or more of the women would be going home. Next week, the roles will switch and the ladies will hand out the roses.

RELATED VIDEO: You’ve Gotta Try Chris Harrison’s Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game

The only exception is the twins, who are basically a package deal: If any of the guys extends a rose to either sister, the other one will be staying as well.

The first date card went to Jubilee, who ended up taking Jared.

Bizarrely, the two had dinner among what can only be described as a forest of piñatas. Also at one point a clown jumped out at them to scare them – because apparently dates in Paradise are just that low-budget.

Jubilee Sharpe and Jared Haibon
ABC/Rick Rowell

THE FIRST NIGHT

While Jared and Jubilee were on their date, the first night back at the house was in full swing, and Chad and Lace were about to embark on a hellish journey together.

Within what felt like moments the two were all over each other, splashing around and flirting in the pool. And when we say flirting, we mean actually shoving each other, hard, and hurling insults at one another.

Nick: “You know how rats have a lot of sex and they multiply a lot but they also eat each other? Chad and Lace.” Well, he’s certainly not wrong.

Before too long, Chad and Lace were making out in the hot tub (“You’re a king. I want to treat you like the king you are,” said Lace) but as the two got drunker and drunker and the make-outs intensified, so did the aggression. At one point, Chad threatened to throw Lace under a bus and “duct-tie” her up.

RELATED VIDEO: The 5 “Chad-iest” Moments from The Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Finally the blowout came to a peak after Chad snarled that she was a bitch. Lace seemed to come to her senses, immediately backing away and distancing herself from him. Chad did not like this at all, and this was where his horrific and alarming behavior truly took over.

Chad: “I’ll murder everyone here. I’ll kill your children and murder your family. Dolla, dolla bills, yo.”

Finally, Sarah had enough and called him out – only to have Chad come back at her with the most disturbing response of all.

“F— that one-armed bitch,” he said to Sarah, who was born with only the upper half of her arm due to a condition known as amniotic band syndrome. “You suck that d—,” he continued. “Keeping sucking that d—. Keep sucking that fame.”

The rest of the group, stunned into silence, got up and walked away, leaving Chad alone on the beach.

Daniel, who was close with Chad from JoJo’s season, tried to talk some sense into him, but Chad wasn’t having any of it. (When Daniel is the one being rational, you know something is very, very wrong.)

Chad: “You’re being such a bitch, dude. Why are you being so un-murder-y?”

Chad, obviously highly intoxicated, took a few swings at Daniel, but finally – finally, it couldn’t come soon enough – the nightmare was over and the monster that is Chad fell asleep on the pool deck.

THE MORNING AFTER

We’re just going to leave this here: Chad woke up with no underwear on because he s— his pants.

After spending the morning being rightfully ignored by the rest of the group, Chad was called upstairs to the front of the house for a meeting with Chris Harrison and the rest of the cast.

Chris confronted him about what happened, but Chad repeatedly refused to take responsibility or apologize for his actions.

Sarah and Lace descended on him for his shockingly disrespectful behavior, but Chad kept fighting back – and finally, Chris laid down the law.

Chris: “You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d—. You had a chance to turn over a new leaf and you didn’t, and so on behalf of everybody, I’m sorry, I thought this could work out, it didn’t. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Chad was furious at this, storming out, shouting at producers and refusing to do on-camera exit.

Chad: “I’m not doing it again. You’re not going to make me look like an a–hole. I have nothing. I’ve got nothing in my life.”

Soon enough, he started attacking Chris.

Chad: “You don’t even watch this. You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. F— you, dude. Go drink your mimosas. You think this is all fun and games? This is my life. You’re going to sit here and try and make me look like a bitch? F— you, Chris Harrison. Come at me.”

via GIPHY

For the love of God, somebody just punch Chad in the face.

Part two of the Bachelor in Paradise season premiere airs Monday followed by an all-new episode Tuesday, both at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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