August 24, 2015 09:00 PM

If you thought the Great JoeSamantha Textgate of 2015 would finally be resolved on Monday’s Bachelor in Paradise, think again.

In part 2 of this week’s episode, Joe continued to pine after Samantha after she unceremoniously dumped him on his birthday the day before – and when that didn’t work, he switched tactics and began to threaten to expose her role in their grand scheme – and shockingly, that didn’t work either.

Joe and Ashley I. Unite in Their Complete and Total Misery, Joe Threatens Samantha

Two people we never expected to have a single thing in common: Ashley I. and Joe.

This week, the two formed an unexpected friendship as they both wallowed in self-pitying misery and heartbreak after being dumped by their romantic interests on the show (Jared and Samantha, respectively).

Ashley I. is highly entertaining, but at this point homegirl needs to pull it together. You’re not going to be “ruined, for like, ever” just because Jared broke up with you (but watching Joe point blank refuse to comfort her was rather excellent).

Joe alternates between making (failed) attempts to talk to Samantha and get her back, and threatening to expose her text messages to him before the show started (in particular, one in which she apparently told him to “do whatever it takes” to get a rose until she got there).

Samantha’s face when Joe dropped the text threat was unbelievable. I’ve never seen someone shoot more intense daggers with their eyes in my life.

“She’s got two options: Either we can go on with it and she can be lovey dovey on me and we can get engaged and make a nice happy love story, or she can crash and burn.” – ACTUAL QUOTE by Joe in an interview. Does he hear himself speak, I wonder?

RELATED VIDEO: Go Inside the Bachelor in Paradise House with Chris Harrison

Mikey and Juelia Spend the Night in Guadalajara

Things haven’t been too shabby for Mikey since he returned to the show on Sunday’s episode.

He got a date card, and he and Juelia ended up taking a private plane to Guadalajara for an overnight date. (Two private planes in one week? What gives, ABC? Where did this massive private plane budget suddenly come from?)

Poor Juelia thought she was going to be getting some grand, dreamy date in Guadalajara – but it ended up being seats to a Lucha Libre Mexican wrestling match. So much for romance, then.

Nevertheless, she actually really seemed to enjoy herself on the date, and, despite being something of an unexpected couple, Mikey and Juelia hit it off. Things went so well, in fact, that they decided to stay overnight in the same suite instead of two separate rooms (though they maintained they “kept it classy,” whatever that means).

RELATED VIDEO: Which Bachelor in Paradise Star Is the Most Flirtatious?

Newcomer Justin Arrives, Of Course He’s Interested in Samantha

In what I can only imagine must have been a seriously dark moment of despair, Joe sought out Ashley I. for some relationship advice.

In return, Ashley I. suggested a (terribly) cheesy move, advising that he go up to Samantha that evening and introduce himself all over again, giving them a “literal fresh start.”

Joe is so desperate he took her advice. (SMH.) Of course it was a complete fail, and Samantha basically pretended he didn’t exist.

At that particular moment, Justin from Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s season of The Bachelorette showed up, which worked out rather perfectly timing-wise.

In a shocking turn of events, Justin was also interested in Samantha. (Is Samantha pretty or something? I hadn’t noticed.)

Joe clearly told Justin he was interested in Samantha and he didn’t want Justin to ask her out. Justin essentially ignored this completely and proceeded to ask her out. Samantha said yes, and all hell broke loose.

(Side note: Did anyone else hear Dan say he didn’t want Samantha to go on the date with Justin because he wanted to get to know her more? That was strange, and I’m very confused.)

Joe went on to whimper to Samantha about what a fool he feels like for going for someone so out of his league. I actually cringed when he asked her for a hug as she walked away.

“This chick is like a chess master,” said Tanner. “But instead of chess pieces, they’re dudes and the end game is total destruction.”

Truer words have never been spoken. Until next week, adios!

RELATED VIDEO: You Have to Try Chris Harrison’s New Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

You May Like