Raise your hand if you are actually frightened of Joe. Right, that’s all of us then.
On Monday’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise, we witnessed what was hands down one of the most insane scenes to ever unfold on reality television when Joe threatened to beat up not one but two other male contestants in an unsettlingly quiet, clench-mouthed rant.
Joe, You Are Absolutely Terrifying
After Juelia announced to everyone at the rose ceremony that she would be giving Joe her rose, Jonathan and Mikey each took her aside to tell her that they think Joe is only using her for her rose. Granted, this could come across as a desperate below-the-belt move to snag her rose for themselves, coming from two guys who are both on the chopping block this week, but seeing as Joe is absolutely using Juelia just to get her rose, it was particularly hard to watch what happened next.
Juelia confronted Joe about Jonathan and Mikey’s comments, and he denied the entire thing to her face, kissed her aggressively and assured her that he likes her back – only to be shown a few seconds later in an interview saying: “I give zero f—s right now. I’m just like, ‘Gimme that rose.'”
All Joe wanted was to stick around for another week in the hopes that Samantha, a contestant from Chris Soules‘ season of The Bachelor, would show up in Mexico.
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Mikey later approached Joe about the same issue, and Joe yet again confirmed (read: lied) that he does like Juelia and isn’t “screwing around” just to get a rose. Once Mikey walked away, Joe was shown speaking to an off-camera producer on a secluded patio.
“I’m pissed. Jonathan, I would break his f—ing jaw and beat the f—ing pulp out of his f—ing brains, I swear to God. I won’t stop until his brains are coming out of his ears, I swear to you,” he snarled. “Mikey T, if we were in Kentucky right now, I would get a pair of brass knuckles, I’d put my brass knuckles on my right hand, I’d walk up to him and just knock him out.”
Was that real life? Did he really just say all of those things? Who does that?
Joe then proceeded to confront Jonathan, reduced him to quivering tears and forced him to tell Juelia that he didn’t mean what he had said earlier. Poor Jonathan was so unbelievably distraught with himself that he retreated to sob in the bathroom (seriously, pull yourself together, Jonathan).
“My mind is completely at ease with Joe,” said Juelia after Jonathan’s apology. No, no, no, I can’t watch. Someone save this girl.
“I made Mikey T. my bitch, then Jonathan came to me like I was his pimp,” gloated Joe. “You know, I mean, I do what I do.”
Tenley and Her Love Square
“Notre Dame-educated, corporate lawyer,” said JJ of Michael. “He’s a legit threat to everybody.”
Michael, who came on the show in the hopes that Tenley would be there, immediately asked her out on a date and the two enjoyed dinner, kissed and were serenaded by a throng of singers (seriously, there must have been more than 100 of them), in between Michael showering her with compliments throughout the evening.
“I’m in trouble with this rose ceremony tomorrow,” said Tenley, who explained she feels a different connection with each of the three guys. (Sorry, Tenley. I don’t think anyone really feels that bad for you here.)
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Jared and Clare Go Bungee Jumping, Clare Needs to Relax
“How much does Jared look like Superman? Like, he’s gorgeous,” she said. (Does he, though? Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, it would seem.)
The moment when they jumped off the cliff was actually hilarious (great editing, ABC). Clare won’t be able to live down all that ridiculous shrieking and moaning.
But Clare was quickly brought back down to reality later in the episode when she and Jared had an extremely awkward conversation recapping the date:
“It rocked my world,” said Clare.
“You’re eight years older than me. That’s obviously you know what I mean?” responded Jared. (Side note: Jared is really, really good at talking a lot but never actually saying anything straight out.)
Jared Kisses Ashley I., Makes Her Life
And just like that, Jared moved on from Clare – much to Ashley I.‘s pleasure.
“Right now, I’m just trying to find out where my emotions are, where my connections are, and we get along so well and we do have a connection, like the date we had was awesome,” Jared said to Ashley I. during the cocktail party at the rose ceremony. “You know, I went on a date with Clare, and it was a really good date, too. It’s just different, that’s all. But I want to be here, I want to get to know you better and be in the moment and do what feels right right now.” It was another prime example of Jared and his ability to say a whole lot but not really anything, really.
He did follow up with a kiss, though, and Ashley I. was over the moon: “It was worth the wait.”
Clare, Everything Is Going to Be Okay
Before the rose ceremony took place, Clare – who was obviously upset that she hasn’t made a solid connection with any of the guys yet – went on a very long-winded and bizarre rant to the rest of the group, basically accusing them of not really being there for love.
As for the rest of the contestants, no one was all too concerned with Clare’s whining: “Clare is being a big baby because it’s not going how she wants it go,” said Tanner. “She’s putting up a front because she needs an excuse as to why no guys are pining after her.”
The rose ceremony got off to a smooth start as the girls started handing out their roses: Carly gave her rose to Kirk, Ashley S. handed out hers to Dan, Jade gave hers to Tanner and Tenley made her pick, offering her rose to Joshua.
Then it was Clare’s turn. Clare proceeded to storm out of the room before handing out her rose, and she was shown crying to host Chris Harrison.
“This is amazing,” said a gleeful Ashley I. “Clare is losing her mind, it’s like, could anything work out more perfectly?”
We’ll have to wait for next week’s episode to find out what Hurricane Clare’s next move is – but something tells me it will be nothing short of dramatic.
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Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.