Plus, several cast members leave Paradise uncoupled

By Aurelie Corinthios
September 05, 2016 10:00 PM

Sadly, this season of Bachelor in Paradise is coming to a close. We’re going to miss these beautiful, love-hungry, sunburned idiots, but there’s one thing we’re happy to bid farewell to: that ridiculous intro montage. (Seriously, that stopped being funny weeks ago.)

On part one of the finale Monday night, the remaining contestants were tasked with taking their relationship to the next level – and not everyone survived. Let’s break it down.

At this point, everyone was freaking out that the season was about to wrap – even those that were coupled off.

Grant: People are going to leave engaged, or they’re going to leave broken-hearted.

Why are those the only two options? Why can’t they just leave and maybe hook up casually and see where things go and date like normal people in the real world? This ultimatum seems unnecessarily dramatic.

Amidst all the uneasiness, ABC decided to throw a new, completely random chick (pun intended) into the mix, probably for the sole purpose of calling attention to her “profession”: It’s Tiara the chicken enthusiast from Ben‘s season.


Unfortunately for Tiara, all the guys were already taken (except for Wells, but he was already juggling way too many women), so she was basically screwed … so screwed that when Nick asked her if he could grab her date card since she obviously had no use for it, she didn’t even pretend to fight for it.

Tiara’s recycled date card went to Nick and Jen, who at this point had established themselves as one of the fairly solid couples in Paradise. Not the most solid, but doing pretty well: They weren’t sucking face all day like Josh and Amanda, but they also weren’t wildly unstable é la Grant and Lace.

There was just one small, underlying issue with Nick and Jen’s relationship: Nick’s just not that into her. (Further evidenced by the fact that Nick is now the next Bachelor, so it obviously didn’t work out with Jen.)

For their date, Nick and Jen explored a carnival and went to a fortuneteller, who called attention to Nick’s thinly veiled lack of interest in the relationship – giving Jen the perfect platform to confront him about it. Nick, however, maintained that he thinks Jen is “amazing” and was just getting “nervous” because of how “strong” his feelings were getting.

Nick: I’m hopeful and excited!
Jen: I feel like we are on the same page. It’s nice hearing you verbalize it!
Everyone watching: *cringes because they know what’s coming*

Back at the house, Brett decided it was the time to dump Izzy because he has a “better connection” with Lauren. Or maybe she’s just better at pretending his dumb lamp jokes are even remotely funny.

Lauren: I feeeeeel it with you. I like you. I want to see liiiiiiike, where it goes?

Is it just me or does Lauren talk like a 13-year-old and/or like she might be mildly sedated?

Brett went over to find Izzy and was basically like: Thanks, but no thanks, gonna go with Lauren on this one. Izzy had a panic attack and started crying. She was obviously regretting her decision to dump Vinny for this Lamp Idiot.


^Well, that’s ironic now.

Izzy: I love Vinny, but I didn’t give us that chance to fall in love. I broke it off because I was terrified.

… Pretty sure you dumped him because you thought Brett was hotter, but sure.

So Izzy left, inexplicably lugging her suitcase along the sand, with one goal in mind: to get Vinny back.

Izzy: I think this could be the most romantic thing I could do for somebody I have really deep feelings for!

Yeah, running back with your tail between your legs is definitely super romantic!

Spoiler alert: Vinny didn’t take her back. Even after she called him crying from the cab and begged to come see him in Florida. Ouch.

The last cocktail party was essentially designed solely for Wells who had found himself in a love quadrangle with Ashley, Jami and Shushanna.

Within minutes the guy was getting pulled aside by walking thirst traps Jami and Ashley, making out with each of them left and right – and that’s when Shushanna saw the light and decided this was definitely not worth it.

Wells Adams and Jami Letain
ABC/Rick Rowell

Honestly, we’ve got to give it up for Shushanna here. Homegirl doesn’t have time for this bulls— and she’s not going to fight two other grown women on national television for Wells, a radio DJ she met five seconds ago.


Power to you, Shoe.

Finally it was time for the rose ceremony. After all the predictable roses were handed out, it was Brett’s turn. Considering he’d just dumped Izzy, everyone thought Brett would be giving his rose to Lauren – but as it turned out, he didn’t even really like Lauren that much, either. Brett decided not to give his rose to anyone, sending himself home in the process. Lamp Guy loves Lamp and only Lamp, apparently.

Wells was next, and he picked Ashley – meaning Jami, Tiara and Lauren all went home. Fare thee well, ladies. We hardly knew you.

The following morning Chris Harrison showed up and asked them all to join him in the rose palapa, a sentence that will never not be funny.

There were five couples remaining: Josh and Amanda, Grant and Lace, Nick and Jen, Evan and Carly and Wells and Ashley. Harrison informed them they all needed to take some time to evaluate their relationship because they would be going on individual one-on-ones dates – and spending the night together without cameras.

The men and the women separated to discuss the upcoming dates, and that’s when Wells decided he was definitely not going to be taking Ashley – who is a virgin – to the Fantasy Suite, considering the implications that would carry.

Poor Ashley, meanwhile, can never be on the same page as the man she is interested in, so of course she was under the impression she would be getting a Fantasy Suite date with Wells.

This goodbye was so awkward. Ashley tried so hard not to cry, and then she asked Wells for one last kiss. Whyyyyyyyy Ashley WHY.

Later that day, the remaining four couples embarked on their final dates. Grant and Lace were up first, and of course these two decided to get matching “Grace” tattoos. Couldn’t they just buy some damn bracelets? Why did they feel the need to permanently ink their names onto themselves?

Lace Morris and Grant Kemp
ABC/Rick Rowell
Lace Morris and Grant Kemp
ABC/Rick Rowell

Lace: I hate tattoos. Absolutely hate them. But also what scares me is reality after Paradise. Are we really going to stick together if we don’t get engaged? I don’t think we’re going to work if we don’t solidify something.

^Concerning statements on all fronts, but she did finally tell him she loves him … go figure.

Jen and Nick were next, and the two went paddle boarding. This was obviously foreshadowing their imminent breakup because they were both atrocious at the activity.

Nick: I’m not afraid of expressing my feelings when I know for sure I’m feeling them.

… So, what you’re saying is you’re definitely not feeling them, then.

Josh and Amanda’s turn spent the day exploring the city and playing soccer with local Mexican children (we keep forgetting Amanda is a mom, oops), and Carly and Evan did “sex art,” which meant stripping down, covering themselves in paint and flailing around on some sheets. Quite frankly that wasn’t even the weirdest date these two have been on. Probably not even the second weirdest.

Stay tuned: The Fantasy Suites are next. Part two of the Bachelor in Paradise finale airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.