"Call housekeeping," Lady Gaga's Countess says after a particularly bloody moment in the FX drama's premiere episode

By Patrick Gomez
October 07, 2015 11:30 PM
Suzanne Tenner/FX (2)

American Horror Story is known for its gasp-worthy moments, and the newest season is no exception.

Set in the fictional Hotel Cortez in downtown Los Angeles, the fifth season of the anthology series premiered Wednesday and jumped right into the shocks and scares.

If you happened to miss the premiere (or you just still can’t believe what you saw), here are the five must-see scenes from American Horror Story: Hotel. (Spoilers ahead.)

5. A Man in the Mattress

Forget being worried about bed bugs! Season 5 opens with two Swedish tourists who check in to the hotel and have something much worse than insects in their mattress. After trying to mask a strange smell with candles, the two blondes pull back their sheets and cut open their mattress to find a hairless, screaming man stuffed inside.

4. An Affair to Remember

Across town, detective Det. John Lowe (Wes Bentley) is called to the scene of a gruesome crime. He finds a man whose tongue and eyeballs have been cut out and his hands nailed to the headboard of a bed. On top of the man is a lifeless woman who has been impaled.Thanks to photos placed on the floor by the bed, Lowe determines that the man and woman were having an extramarital affair that neither’s spouse knew anything about. Oh, did we mention that the man has been given male potency drugs and superglued inside the woman?!

Yeah.

3. What About Love?

Looking like he’s straight out of a European music video from the 1980s, a man (New Girl‘s Max Greenfield) checks in to the Hotel Cortez for some alone time (a.k.a. he’s shooting heroin). His trip is going just fine until a creature that can only be described as a shrink-wrapped mummy begins raping him with something that resembles a large drill bit. The horror finally stops after he gives in to the simple request of the mysterious Sally (Sarah Paulson, looking like she stepped off the same music video set): “Tell me you love me.”

2. Divide and Conquer

The owner of the Hotel Cortez, known as The Countess (Lady Gaga), and her beau Donovan (Matt Bomer) head out to the cemetery for a movie under the stars – which is a thing people actually do in Los Angeles – and return home with another couple who are looking to double the fun in bed.

The foursome get hot and heavy until things take a turn and The Countess and Donovan slit their new friends’ throats.”It’s not the getting ready. It’s the cleanup,” Donovan tells The Countess when she points out that he hadn’t wanted to go out that evening. But why worry about such things when you own a hotel? Suggests The Countess suggests: “Call housekeeping.”

1. Push It Real Good

As the premiere episode comes to a close, AHS: Hotel flashes back to 1994 to reveal how Donovan and his mother (Kathy Bates) came to find the Hotel Cortez. Donovan was apparently a junkie who came to the hotel with Sarah to shoot heroin. (What is it with this hotel and heroin?!) Donovan’s mother busts into the room to find her son has “gone cold,” which Sarah could care less about. Sarah meanders down the hall and pauses at a window to take in the view. As she admires the curtains, she’s pushed out the window by Donovan’s mother.

So, for people who have apparently been dead for more than 20 years, Sally and Donovan look pretty good in present day.

Side note: What is room 33?!

RELATED VIDEO: What Scares American Horror Story‘s Evan Peters?

American Horror Story: Hotel

airs Wednesdays (10 p.m. ET) on FX.

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