The Teen Mom OG star, 28, spoke about having suicidal thoughts while on Monday night’s episode of the MTV series reunion.
Portwood, a mother of two, gave birth to her 7-month-old son James in May with boyfriend Andrew Glennon. She also shares 10-year-old daughter Leah with ex-boyfriend Gary Shirley.
“It went from taking care of James so amazingly to one night I had to give him to Andrew,” Portwood told Dr. Drew Pinsky of how her postpartum depression suddenly hit her. “I couldn’t, I don’t know what happened. I’ve never felt anything like it, I never felt like that with Leah. It started feeling like a weird pressure, like I could explode.”
The feeling didn’t go away and culminated to suicidal thoughts that Portwood attempted to act on.
“There was one night in California where I said to Andrew, ‘Just go to sleep, go to sleep. Take James with you.’ I was going to hang myself,” she revealed, crying. “That’s real s—.”
Portwood said she had been open about her experience in order to help others going through the same thing, but that the bullying she received online caused her to want to quit the show entirely.
“I come home, I try to talk to loving fans who I adore. I help so many f——— people and I gotta deal with people calling me a bad mom and this that and the other when I’m going through this s—. I’m done. I’m done with this show, I f——— quit,” she said. “This show is done.”
In last week’s episode, Portwood told her cousin Krystal about the experience in the show’s season finale, recounting the night she attempted suicide and saying Glennon “could feel it.”
“He’s like, ‘I’m not going to bed,’” Portwood explained.
The MTV star continued, “It doesn’t feel good to go and do things, it doesn’t feel good to be alive right now.”
Portwood sought help from fellow Teen Mom OG star Catelynn Baltierra, who went to rehab late last year for having suicidal thoughts.
Speaking of her own experience, Baltierra explained she chose to enter rehab because her “suicidal ideation was so bad.”
Shaking her head, Portwood said, “Mental illness is real s—,” adding, “It’s real. I just happen to be on a popular show with a mental illness that is real. It’s complete sabotage when you’re called a horrible mom every day.”
Portwood added, “This show has ruined my name. This show has not shown who I am as a person. They don’t show the funny side of me, they show bad mom, they show all that s—, they show the struggle, they show me crying, they show postpartum. So I go, okay, that’s what’s going on in my life so I guess that’s true. I’m over it.”
In November, Portwood tweeted, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit this show.“
RELATED: Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood & Catelynn Lowell Baltierra Open Up About Their Battle With Mental Health
Following her tweets, she refused to continue filming with MTV per an explanation by the network in the episode that read, “After expressing her unhappiness with the show online, Amber is refusing to film.”
Show producers Larry and David received a phone call from Portwood in which she said, “I think I should separate myself from this show.”
“I just don’t feel like this is right for my life anymore, I think you guys want a certain kind of story that I just don’t want to give you any more,” she explained. “I just feel like it’s very depressing to be on this show.”
When Larry said they could focus on the positive aspects of her life, including her newborn son, Portwood said, “There’s certain things you guys want and I’m not that person anymore.”
“It would be a lot easier to talk in person,” Larry told the mother of two.
Portwood replied in anger, “I don’t care! I don’t f——— care. This is my life that you guys plaster all over f——— television that I signed up for. So I’m not going to film right now. I need time to f——— think. If you guys need to do what you need to do on your end then f——— do it.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “help” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.