Amanda Kloots Held a Memorial for Late Husband Nick Cordero: 'His Spirit Was Definitely There'
Nick Cordero died last Sunday from coronavirus complications at the age of 41
Kloots shared a heartfelt post on social media Sunday, detailing the "celebration" and sharing a sweet photo with her and Cordero's 13-month-old son Elvis Eduardo.
"I said, 'Nick would have wanted this to be a celebration. Let’s try to laugh, share great stories and sing for him and to his memory,' " Kloots recalled telling her close family and friends at the memorial. "He would have loved it. It was beautiful and perfect. His spirit was definitely there."
The fitness instructor said the group listened to the song, "I'm Here" from the Broadway show, The Color Purple.
"Nick and I saw this show on Broadway years ago and we left the theater in tears, speechless. As it was being played last night the lyrics in the second half of the song hit me hard," Kloots wrote. "Truly, I am scared. Scared of my new normal, of the pain, the loss and being strong enough to get through it. But, I know Nick is up above routing for me, believing in me and hoping for me."
"He wants me to LIVE this new life and he wants me to be the best version of myself for our son. I promised him in the hospital that I would try to do that," she added. "So, when I heard these lyrics yesterday I thought, 'Ok. When I’m doubting if I can get through this, I’m playing this song. It will be my motto.' "
Kloots continued, telling her followers she "never thought" this would be her journey, and that she's going to take it "one day, one step at a time."
"I have faith that God is leading the way and that Nick is our angel," Kloots wrote, before sharing the lyrics to "I'm Here" with her followers.
Just days before the memorial, Kloots opened up about her grief in a tearful video shared on her Instagram Stories on Thursday night.
The mother of one first shared a letter she wrote to her son as a way to explain how Cordero died, in which parts of it read: "I miss him so much. I miss his voice, hugs, kisses, smile, silliness. I wish quarantine would have been the three of us together every day. We must look for the silver linings in life, son."
Kloots went on to reflect back on her husband's months-long battle with COVID-19, saying in a video, "You know, it's so funny because grief is such a weird thing. I've talked about everything else about this process, so it feels oddly wrong not to acknowledge about grief."
"When you're grieving and you're going through something like this, and you go through your day, you feel almost sometimes like 'Am I allowing myself to grieve? Am I allowing myself to acknowledge what's happened and ... what these last three months of my life has been?' " she continued. "I just start to question myself about everything that I'm experiencing right now."
Explaining that she's "dealing with so much" at the moment, Kloots admitted that her grief doesn't usually hit her until the end of the day. "'Am I also acknowledging everything that has happened and acknowledging my sadness?' It oftentimes doesn't hit me until night when I'm going to sleep," she said. "I don't think there is a right answer to grief or how someone grieves."
"It's tough for sure, even for somebody like me who's type A and wants to keep pressing on," she continued, explaining that work "helps" to get her through the day. "It's so hard. And when it does hit you, it's so hard. But I know it's going to get easier every day."
In support of Cordero's family, a GoFundMe page was created to raise funds for his medical bills.
As information about the coronavirus pandemic rapidly changes, PEOPLE is committed to providing the most recent data in our coverage. Some of the information in this story may have changed after publication. For the latest on COVID-19, readers are encouraged to use online resources from CDC, WHO, and local public health departments. PEOPLE has partnered with GoFundMe to raise money for the COVID-19 Relief Fund, a GoFundMe.org fundraiser to support everything from frontline responders to families in need, as well as organizations helping communities. For more information or to donate, click here.