March 06, 2006 01:00 AM

• “All right, so I’m not winning director.”
George Clooney, upon winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Syriana (he was also up for Best Director and Screenplay for Good Night, and Good Luck)

• “Bjork couldn’t be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”
– Host Jon Stewart

• “I can’t actually walk, but I can stand rather well.”
– Nominee Keira Knightley, on the limitations of her tight Oscar gown

• “I literally lost control of my bowels up there.”
Philip Seymour Hoffman, on his reaction to winning Best Actor for Capote

• “I’m getting a pedicure and a facial. I’m going to walk out of here looking like Scarlett Johansson.”
– Nominee Felicity Huffman, at a Hollywood spa, on her pre-Oscar preparations

• “I thought she was Charlotte and she’s just not. She’s a Daisy.”
Meg Ryan, on changing her adopted daughter’s name, to Oprah Winfrey

Jessica Simpson

• “I almost peed in my pants. We were laughing so hard because (my mom) was trying to talk to me and I’m in the trunk.”
Jessica Simpson, on hiding in the trunk of a car to avoid the paparazzi, to W

• “I can’t see myself playing another Mafia character for ever.”
James Gandolfini, on his post-Sopranos career, to Entertainment Weekly

• “Obviously, it’s not the right time for me to be a father, but the one thing I haven’t had the chance to do is be a great dad.”
Nick Lachey, to Teen People

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