Who Said It: Selina Meyer or Elaine Benes?
"Wish I could break his spine. But I can’t! ‘Cause it’s made of Jell-O."
VEEP'S SELINA MEYER
She’s always scheming, and the self-centered vice president is tired of playing second fiddle to the flip-flopping POTUS. If you think this Meyer meltdown sounds aggressive, you haven’t heard the beginnings of her potty mouth. Her delivery of such artful foul language is just one of the reasons is nominated for a Golden Globe again this year.
"I can’t. I don’t have it. I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square."
SEINFELD'S ELAINE BENES
Louis-Dreyfus won a Golden Globe for playing Jerry’s neurotic ex in 1994, the same year as this epic bathroom stall showdown. Twenty years later, we’re pretty sure Elaine is still hoarding toilet paper in a public restroom somewhere.
"I just want to eat in a quiet corner away from these bozos, okay?"
Smile, shake hands, awkward small talk, repeat. On the list of the queen of insults’ dislikes? Fellow politicians, “real” people and donors, especially when they’re all in the same room.
"All right, all right, look, I don’t have grace, I don’t want grace, I don’t even say grace, okay?"
In another publishing job interview gone wrong, Benes doesn’t quite live up to the legacy of Jackie Onassis at Doubleday. Her consolation prize: a personal assistant gig.
"I couldn’t raise a kid? C’mon, I love bossing people around."
Like her counterpart Selina, Ms. Benes is a natural-born leader. Unfortunately, she’s not a very good babysitter.
"He’s trying to screw me. I’m gonna go stab him."
In Washington, something always backfires, but Meyer won’t let another gaffe go unpunished, this time directing her wrath toward political pundit Kent. Joe Biden would never be this violent.
"If you want to get some cardio exercise you have to have a heart."
Such sage advice should be embroidered on a pillow. This quote must come from the veep’s book, Some New Beginnings
"Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my Himalayan walking shoes!"
The cynical copywriter gets a moment of inspiration for the J. Peterman catalog on the streets of New York City. (Though a comfy pair of flats would also serve the vice president well.)
"Oh my God, I’d kiss you right now but I’m never gonna do that."
There’s never much love lost between the politically incorrect powerhouse and her lackeys.
"I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things."
Remember shrinkage? As the token female in a group of extra-anxious men, Benes was privy to plenty of TMI, including what happens when guys swim in cold water.