Once, John Mayer wore a robe on a plane. I wrote about that robe. And more than a year later, John Mayer expressed his dismay with my robe analysis to GQ. This is our story. (Insert Law & Order sound here.)

By Alex Apatoff
June 23, 2015 08:56 PM
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Once, John Mayer wore a robe on a plane. I wrote about that robe. And more than a year later, John Mayer expressed his dismay with my robe analysis to GQ. This is our story. (Insert Law & Order sound here.)


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Dear John Mayer,

I never wanted to hurt you. Truly, I didn’t. I played Room for Squares so often in my Jeep Grand Cherokee on my way to swim practice that it got stuck in the CD drive. You and I come from such different worlds (one in which you get to ride roller coasters with Katy Perry and cover Beyoncé songs, and one in which I get excited about shark sunglasses). So to find out that not only are you reading my Internet mumblings, you’re taking them to heart and talking about them a year later — well, that’s just got me firing up “My Stupid Mouth” for you.

You see, last May, you were wearing long dusters (without using the armholes properly, as per the photo above) to the airport. And in the interest of an amusing story, I lumped you in with Justin Bieber and Scott Disick (I can tell your jaw is already clenching) for a post about star dudes’ crazy airport outfits. I called your outerwear a “bathrobe.” But now, 365 days later, I find out you’re having none of it.

“So I have a lot of old robes. A lot of Tibetan robes, and it’ll end up in People magazine that I was wearing a bathrobe. And it’s like, ‘Well, actually it’s a totally hand-painted, natural dye… It’s made with real indigo and crushed up ladybugs!’ So yeah, sometimes you’ll buy something because there’s something that strikes you about it, and you’ll hang it up and you’ll go, ‘I don’t know how yet, but someday…’,” you said in an interview with GQ. But wait, there’s more:

“The thing about wearing a Tibetan robe on an airplane is that you can use it for like six different things. You can use it as a background to take pictures of things for Instagram. You can use it as a blanket. You can use it as a tent. I’ve watched movies under it on the airplane — it’s breathable! You can use it as a paparazzi shield. Maybe you get made fun of in People, but who knows who Hiroki Nakamura is that reads People magazine? Then there’s one or two people who jump into the comments and go, ‘No, actually that’s Visvim. That’s really hard to come by. That represents a lot of hard work by artisans in Japan.'”

Mr. Mayer — or can I call you John? — not only did I not know it was made out of crushed-up ladybugs, but I really did not know you read the comments on articles. (The comment to which he is referring was left by a “JenJen,” who is clearly more well-versed in robe culture than I am.) Now that I’m aware that it’s a combination Instagram background/blanket/tent hybrid, I want one of my own (though I cannot afford it, nor can I afford the extras that you confess to keeping in a storage facility in California).

But I still think you should have worn both the sleeves.

With great affection (and more than a little delight),

Read the rest of the (actually very interesting) interview, then tell me: Do you think he accepts my apology?

— Alex Apatoff

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