The FBI may not have actually wiretapped Michael Cohen, but what if authorities had actually listened in on President Donald Trump‘s embattled personal attorney’s phone calls?
That’s what Saturday Night Live imagined in this weekend’s star-studded cold open, which included appearances from porn star Stormy Daniels as herself, Jimmy Fallon as Jared Kushner, Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka Trump, Kate McKinnon as Rudy Giuliani and Martin Short as Dr. Harold N. Bornstein— as only SNL could do.
Things kick off with Ben Stiller returning as Cohen, who is determined to get everyone in Trump’s inner circle on the same page when it comes to Trump’s alleged affair with Daniels.
“Guys, can we please just decide on one line and stick to it? Because our stories are all over the place,” Stiller’s Cohen tells Alec Baldwin‘s Donald and McKinnon’s Giuliani.
After an interruption from Aidy Bryant‘s Sarah Huckabee Sanders (who is extremely concerned that Trump lied to her about Daniels, making her lose “all credibility”), McKinnon’s Giuliani says he must end the conference call because “I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today, and I’m trying to make it like an Advent calendar, you know, where I reveal a new crime on each show.”
Stiller’s Cohen can’t stop the interruptions, however, as First Lady Melania Trump (Cecily Strong) calls to ask if her “friend” could testify against her husband “if she want to,” Omarosa Manigault (Leslie Jones) says she’s “still pissed off,” Vice President Mike Pence (Beck Bennett) dials the wrong number and Ivanka (Johansson) and Kushner (Jimmy Fallon) are concerned about Giuliani calling Kushner “disposable on national television.”
“Because Jared is furious,” says Johansson’s Ivanka.
“Yeah, man, I’m like, ‘What the hell?’ I’m so mad right now,” fires off Fallon’s Kushner in a high-pitched voice. “You don’t even wanna see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch. Don’t even try to come for me, okkkrrrr?!”
Baldwin’s Donald is not happy that Cohen has left him waiting, explaining that he’s supposed to be speaking with his new “chief strategist,” Trump supporter Kanye West.
Stiller’s Cohen dials Daniels’ number, and sure enough, she picks up. “What are you wearing?” asks the fictional president, making Daniels appalled.
After hanging up on Cohen, Baldwin’s Donald asks Daniels, “What do you need for this to all go away?”
“A resignation,” says Daniels.
“Yeah, right,” says SNL‘s Donald. “Being president is like doing porn — once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else.”
He asks how he can make news of their alleged affair go away, but Daniels says, “Sorry, Donald — it’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change, but a storm’s a coming, baby.”
Earlier in the week, Giuliani said that President Trump reimbursed his personal attorney Cohen for the hush money paid to Daniels, confirming something that until then Trump had forcefully denied.
“The payment was made to resolve a personal and false allegation in order to protect the President’s family,” Giuliani said in a statement Friday, per the Washington Post. “It would have been done in any event, whether he was a candidate or not.”
The new statement came hours after Trump told reporters that Giuliani, who recently joined Trump’s legal team, is “learning the subject matter” and “he’ll get his facts straight.”
Giuliani, 73, spoke on Fox News Wednesday about the alleged exchange of money that occurred between Trump and Cohen — which directly contradicted the president’s negation when he was asked by reporters in early April if he had any knowledge about the $130,000 payment.
“I’m giving you a fact that you don’t know,” Giuliani told Hannity. “It’s not campaign money. No campaign finance violation. They funneled [the $130,000] through a law firm and the president repaid it.”
The morning after the interview, Trump acknowledged for this first time that he reimbursed Cohen for the payment to Daniels, but continued to deny that he had a sexual relationship with the porn star.
In February, Cohen admitted he had paid Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, $130,000 a month before the 2016 presidential election so she’d keep quiet about the alleged sexual encounter.
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Cohen called it “a private transaction” in an interview with The New York Times and said the money came from his own pocket. The attorney, who worked as a counsel to the Trump Organization for more than a decade, also clarified he was not compensated by Trump.
“Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly. The payment to Ms. Clifford was lawful, and was not a campaign contribution or a campaign expenditure by anyone,” Cohen said in a statement at the time.
Daniels’ last big TV appearance came in late March, when she discussed her alleged affair with Trump on 60 Minutes.