Amid her grieving, Meghan McCain finds herself struck by new revelations about the depth of her loss

By Maria Pasquini
December 17, 2018 03:39 PM
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Amid her grieving, Meghan McCain finds herself struck by new revelations about the depth of her loss.

“For some reason I cried yesterday at the realization that I’m never going to see you rush downstairs again like you always used to do in the capitol,” The View co-host, 34, wrote on Sunday, alongside a photo of her father, Sen. John McCain, who died in August of brain cancer. In the image, the late politician was celebrating Thanksgiving, his favorite holiday.

“It’s a strange thing to get upset over,” she admitted. “You were always in a hurry and would walk down with this almost canter/hop because of your inability to bend your knee. It was always entertaining to watch and it occurred to me that you might be the only person in the world that moved down a staircase like that.”

Meghan went on to share that her father is still so “omnipresent in my life, heart and mind” that she finds herself waiting for him to do everyday things, like give her a call.

“I’m still waiting for you to call me on my phone, I’m still waiting to get on a flight to meet you for Christmas, I’m still waiting to be woken up from this bizarre nightmare/coma that was the last year watching what happens to a person who fights glioblastoma. I’m still waiting for a lot of things and guess I probably will be for the rest of my life… 113 days,” she wrote, referencing the number of days since her father’s death.

Continuing, she added, “You’re omnipresent in my life, heart and mind Dad and it still doesn’t feel real you aren’t here. I try and remind myself that the intensity of the pain of missing you is important because it is a reminder of how my love for you was so incredibly strong. That the pain I carry is the trade off I made for loving someone so purely and I wouldn’t change a thing about it, even now. I love you forever. Stay with me.”

Meghan has previously spoken out about how tough it can be to navigate loss during the holidays.

Heidi Gutman/ABC

On the first episode of The View after her first Thanksgiving without her dad, Meghan opened up about how it’s okay to be sad, and no matter what you see on television — or on social media — you’re not obligated to put on a happy face.

“If you’re having a bad holiday season, right here, I’m with you. Okay?” she shared. “Sometimes it’s hard, and it’s really hard with social media that everyone looks like they’re having a perfect holiday. And for those of us who aren’t, it’s okay.”

John McCain and Meghan McCain
Meghan McCain/Twitter

Opening up about her sorrow in November, Meghan wrote on Instagram that “the pain of missing you and the grief that comes with it continues to be sharp and primal.”

“Some waves are more intense than others but they come every day relentlessly,” she remarked, adding that she continued to “fight on” because that’s what her father would have “demanded” of her.