Meghan McCain still feels like she’s living in an “awful parallel universe” 84 days after her father Sen. John McCain’s death.
“84 days without you,” she wrote of John, who died in August at age 81 of brain cancer. “You used to get up early in the morning and go get us all Starbucks in town in the Cottonwood Safeway and then come home and make eggs and bacon. You always had a giant venti cappuccino. We would eat on the porch and talk about life and politics while you read the newspaper and watched out for the hawks to fly by.”
Continued Meghan, “I want to tell you about everything and get your opinion on everything – just like we used to do. I don’t know how you go from talking to someone seven times a day to never. It is still so indescribably surreal to go through the motions of life without sharing all of it with you – like some awful parallel universe I fell into.”
“The pain of missing you and the grief that comes with it continues to be sharp and primal,” she wrote. “Some waves are more intense than others but they come every day relentlessly. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me.”
Meghan said that she continued to “fight on” because that’s what her father would have “demanded” of her. She noted that he made her “so tough and so strong.”
Addressing “anyone else in my place or those who are not,” Meghan said, “I wish we wouldn’t put time limits or rules on grief, we all do it differently in different ways.”
“I shared my father on social media while he was here (and he loved it) and I choose to continue sharing him now that he is not. There’s always the unfollow button if recognizing the impact of death and loss makes anyone uncomfortable.”
Meghan has honored her father’s legacy since his death, most publicly by delivering a moving eulogy for him at the Washington National Cathedral in early September.
On Sunday, she also shared a photo of John to her Instagram story, writing, “I miss you so much.”
“I wake up every morning still instinctually trying and reaching to call you on the phone. I miss you so much Dad it physically hurts my heart. I miss your laugh, your voice, your dark sense of humor, the way you always made me feel safe in a world that seems to have lost its way,” she wrote earlier this year.