The season premiere opened with a scorching parody of Kavanaugh’s fiery testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Thursday — with Matt Damon playing President Donald Trump‘s embattled Supreme Court nominee, 53.
Leslie Jones kicked off the cold open as Fox News host Harris Faulkner. “We are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing,” she said. “It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, ‘Wuh Oh!’ Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room, where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.”
The hearing started with Alex Moffat as Sen. Chuck Grassley and Cecily Strong as Sen. Dianne Feinstein. Moffat joked, “We just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her, and I kept a very open mind, and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh.”
In a suit and blue tie, with Kavanaugh’s salt-and-pepper hair, Damon drew gasps and applause from the audience as he stormed in and sniffed repeatedly.
“What!” he screamed after sitting down.
“Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?” Moffat asked.
“Oh hell yeah,” Damon said angrily. “Let me tell you this. I’m gonna start at an 11. I’m gonna take it to about a 15 real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squi. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it myself last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos.”
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He flipped the page forcefully. “I’m here tonight before of a sham. A political con job orchestrated by the Clintons, George Soros, Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. I’m usually an optimist. I’m a keg-is-half-full kind of guy.”
He held up a calendar modeled after Kavanaugh’s from the summer of 1982. Tearing up, he said, “I’ve got these calendars. These beautiful, creepy calendars.”
Damon continued, “You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife and my parents and Alyssa freakin’ Milano.” A cardboard cutout of Milano, who attended Thursday’s hearing, appeared behind Damon’s shoulder.
As Strong began to question Damon, he gulped down water that ran down his chin. Beck Bennett as Sen. Orrin Hatch, Aidy Bryant as outside prosecutor Rachel Mitchell, Rachel Dratch as Sen. Amy Klobuchar, Mikey Day as Sen. Thom Tillis, Chris Redd as Sen. Cory Booker, Kyle Mooney as Sen. John Kennedy, Pete Davidson as Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse and Kate McKinnon as Sen. Lindsey Graham asked him questions or made comments.
Mocking Kavanaugh’s description of his drinking habits, Damon said, “Look, I like beer, okay? I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer.”
Dratch asked if he ever blacked out from drinking. “I don’t know, did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever black out? Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I think I might have blacked out for a second.”
Damon later made fun at Kavanaugh’s claim that he was a virgin in high school and in the years after. “I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years,” he said. “All I did was drink a lot and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest virgin you’ve ever seen.”
Damon concluded the sketch by barking, “But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait until I get on that Supreme Court because then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water.”
After shotgunning a can, Damon said, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.”
The sexual misconduct allegations levied against Kavanaugh — all of which he has denied — are now under investigation by the FBI.
If you or someone you care about is affected by sexual violence, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline