Quick, what’s the quickest path to Australian citizenship?

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April 06, 2016 04:26 PM

As reality moves inexorably towards a final merger with The Onion, it has come to my attention that ‘wombat cuddler’ is A Real Job a Person Can Do. (… if you’re Australian.)

Flinders Island, which isn’t a pirate stronghold from the 17th century, but an actual place northeast of Tasmania, has a baby wombat named Derek, whose mom was hit by a car.

Derek needs a cuddler to help him relax. No, really.

Regrettably, the job is only open to Australians, who, when hired, will be flown to Flinders Island for three days of magic with Derek. (Hold on, we’re furiously Googling “Quickest way to an Australian citizenship.)

The American economy, ever the powerhouse, actually offered up a similar opportunity earlier this year when a Virginia farm opened up a position cuddling its baby goats.

And people say this country is headed down the wrong track.

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