“You’re breaking my kayak! Why are you doing that? Why are you breaking my kayak?”

By Alex Heigl
Updated October 01, 2015 04:27 PM

We’d never actively root for anyone to have a poor experience in rural Alaska that involved a bear, but … well, let’s just say that the majority of comments on this video are pro-bear. Watch it and understand why.

Mary Maley was kayaking from Ketchikan, Alaska, to Petersburg, Alaska, when a bear decided to gnaw on her kayak, for whatever reason bears decide to do things. Maley decided passive-aggression and sarcasm would be her tools for dealing with the bear.

“Thank you for leaving my kayak alone,” she cheerfully sing-songs at the bear. “I’m going to pepper spray you in the face,” she adds, before reinstating, “that’s what I’m going to do to you.”

The bear, not understanding passive-aggression, sarcasm or, well, English, returns to Maley’s kayak post-pepper spray and goes to town.

“Bear. Bear! Bear!” Maley pleads. “You’re breaking my kayak! Why are you doing that? Why are you breaking my kayak?”

“It’s the end of September,” Maley continues, appealing to the bear’s seasonal habits. “Why are you here? You’re supposed to be asleep.” (The bear, who is again, unable to understand English, does not answer with, “Why madam, I could ask you the very same question.”)

“It’s not even food,” Maley hysterically explains. “It doesn’t even taste good, it’s just plastic.”

Long story short, Maley found help and is getting her kayak repaired. The bear, with an earful of Maley’s screams and a bellyful of kayak, is presumably bedding down for hibernation.

A shorter title for this video might have been, “Bears gotta bear.”