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July 19, 2016 06:41 PM

Lo, and Poseidon, the god of the sea, who was an angry and vengeful god, did say:

“Weak and sunburned land-dwellers!”

“Enough of your wayward pollution and the skiing of jets and selfie-taking with my subjects!”

“Long have you ignored my warnings, the tidal waves and angler fish and goblin sharks and all those times when I just up and swallowed some of your land. Long have you abused the trust we wrought back when you first crawled from my depths.”

Unleash the Krak —”

“What’s that?”

“We don’t have a Kraken anymore? He got a six-pack-ring wrapped around his neck and choked to death?”

“Can we spare any giant squids?”

“No? Well, what do we have?”

“A … a boar? Like, a wild pig? Is it enormous, its tusks the size of mountains and the span of its great cloven hooves vast enough to blot the very sun from the sky? No? Just a normal-sized pig, then?”

“And where is it? Off the coast of Poland?”

“Fine, that’ll have to do. But really irritate him first. Just rowdy him right up.”

“FEEL MY PORCINE VENGEANCE AS IT RAINS UPON YOUR SHINS, PATHETIC HUMANS!”

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