Whitney Port Talks Healing from Miscarriage Over Time, Fear of, 'Is This Going to Happen Again?'
On Tuesday's episode of the Being Bümo podcast, The Hills: New Beginnings star revealed that she had a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure following her most recent loss, after which a biopsy performed on the fetal tissue determined the fetus had "a chromosomal issue."
"So the baby was not going to be a healthy baby, and I felt like, in that way, I had a little bit of closure — that it just wasn't meant to be at this time," said Port, 35.
Still, the star — who "felt really connected" to her pregnancy and "excited" this time around — couldn't help grappling with feelings of guilt and being "so depressed" following the loss that she couldn't get out of bed, likening the experience to losing her father seven years ago.
Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
"I felt like, 'Why is this happening to me? Was there anything that I did wrong? Is there anything wrong with my body, now that this has happened twice?' " Port continued. "I think that's sometimes one of the first things that we think about when this stuff happens to us, especially as women, and being such harsh critics on ourselves."
"Like, 'Was there something I could have done differently to make this not happen?' " she went on. "And then you realize, no, this is not something you have any control over, and you need to immediately release that part."
Port shared the heartbreaking news that she had suffered a second pregnancy loss in an Instagram post last month, revealing that she and husband Tim Rosenman had started documenting two big milestones — the renovation of their new house and "a new pregnancy journey" — for their YouTube channel when she "lost the pregnancy."
"Timmy and I weren't sure if we still wanted to put this out there. I wasn't sure I wanted to relive the pain. However, this time around, I felt differently about the situation," wrote Port, who shares 3½-year-old son Sonny Sanford with Rosenman. "Last time, I don't think I was ready to have another child, and I had different feelings about the miscarriage. This time, I really connected. I was actually excited and enjoying the pregnancy."
"I'm sad but I'm ok and we will try again," she continued. "I also have so much sadness in my heart for anyone that has to go through this or has gone through this. I know though that our community will share, band together and support- cause you always do."
RELATED VIDEO: Whitney Port Recalls "All-Consuming" Grief of Miscarriage: "Death Is Happening Inside Your Body"
On Tuesday's podcast episode, the reality star said that "time heals" (though "never fully"), and that the experience of going through the losses has made her "a stronger person."
"I don't wish [pregnancy losses] upon anybody, but they do give you a lot of good perspective and they give you a lot of time to appreciate the things that you have," Port said.
At the same time, she can't deny her apprehension over trying again. "My biggest issue right now with it is more the fear of, 'Is this going to happen again?' " she explained. " 'Do I even want to try again, put myself out there, be vulnerable and take this risk, and have anxiety the whole time that something's gonna happen? Why would I sign up for that?' "
"And then I'm like, 'You sign up for that because you want to have the child.' And nothing worth having comes without some hardship or sacrifices," Port added. "So that's where I'm at."
Port's own mother had a miscarriage before she was born, and has reminded her that things would've played out so differently otherwise. "In the moment, I was like, 'I want this baby,'" she said. "But then you get a little bit of space from it and you realize ... that you will get the baby you are meant to have."