Shawn Johnson East Reflects on Losing Baby on Date of Past Miscarriage: 'Always Hits Hard'

The former gymnast suffered a miscarriage in October 2017 before announcing she was expecting again in April 2019

Shawn Johnson East is explaining why she always feels a "little somber" on Oct. 19.

The former gymnast, 30, shared an emotional post on Instagram Wednesday, reflecting on the miscarriage she suffered in 2017, two years before she and husband Andrew East welcomed their first child, daughter Drew Hazel, who turns 3 later this month.

"October 19th… always hits a little hard for me in such a bittersweet way. It was the day I miscarried our first baby in 2017 but then a little over a year later I was told it was the due date of Drew Hazel," Johnson East wrote alongside a photo of East giving his wife a kiss on the cheek.

"I always wake up a little sad and a little somber on 10/19 but God works in such beautiful ways," she continued. "I'll meet you in heaven some day sweet angel."

Shawn Johnson
Shawn Johnson/Instagram

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Johnson East, who is also mom to 14-month-old son Jett James with her husband, first revealed she suffered a miscarriage in 2017 in an emotional YouTube video that October. The couple then announced they were expecting again in April 2019.

On an episode of PEOPLE's podcast Me Becoming Mom last October, Johnson East spoke candidly about the moment she miscarried and the guilt she felt that she may have done something to cause the loss.

"I had struggled so long with eating disorders, I had taken excessive amounts of Adderall and I had taken weight loss pills," said Johnson East. "I had abused my body for so long that my worst fear going through all of that back then was am I going to do permanent damage to my body? And I didn't have a period for years and I had truly done harm."

"And my first reaction when we miscarried and [the doctor] saying, 'It's nothing that you did,' was 'But it probably is,' " she recalled thinking to herself. "Oh my gosh, if I could go back to that doctor's office, I was trying so hard to keep it together but I was breaking inside because in my mind, just has a mom, you have all of these guilts and these fears."

"I was like, is my body not made to have children?" she told host Zoë Ruderman. "Did I abuse it so much that it can't carry a child? Is this God's way of telling me I'm not meant to be a mom?"

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