Shawn Johnson East Says She Was 'Breaking Inside' Following Her Miscarriage

Shawn Johnson East suffered a miscarriage in October 2017 before announcing she was expecting again in April 2019

Shawn Johnson
Photo: Gary Gershoff/WireImage

Shawn Johnson East is opening up about what was going through her mind when she found out about her miscarriage in 2017.

On PEOPLE's new podcast Me Becoming Mom, the former gymnast, 29, speaks candidly about the moment she miscarried and the guilt she felt that she may have done something to cause the loss.

Johnson East — who is mom to son Jett James, 3 months, and daughter Drew Hazel, 2 later this month — and husband Andrew East previously revealed she suffered a miscarriage in October 2017, before going on to announce they were expecting again in April 2019. Their daughter was born the following October.

"I had struggled so long with eating disorders, I had taken excessive amounts of Adderall and I had taken weight loss pills," says Johnson East. "I had abused my body for so long that my worst fear going through all of that back then was am I going to do permanent damage to my body? And I didn't have a period for years and I had truly done harm."

Subscribe to our new 12-episode weekly podcast, Me Becoming Mom, to hear celebrity moms open up exclusively to PEOPLE about their extraordinary roads to motherhood.

"And my first reaction when we miscarried and [the doctor] saying, 'It's nothing that you did,' was 'But it probably is,' " she recalls thinking to herself. "Oh my gosh, if I could go back to that doctor's office, I was trying so hard to keep it together but I was breaking inside because in my mind, just has a mom, you have all of these guilts and these fears."

"I was like, is my body not made to have children?" she tells host Zoë Ruderman, Head of Digital at PEOPLE. "Did I abuse it so much that it can't carry a child? Is this God's way of telling me I'm not meant to be a mom?"

Shawn Johnson East Instagram

The 12-episode weekly Me Becoming Mom podcast explores the various roads to motherhood through different interviews with both celebrity guests and experts in the field. Topics on the show include IVF, adoption, surrogacy, single parenthood, same-sex couples, home births, pregnancy loss, unexpected and surprising birth stories, among other subjects.

Upcoming guests on the show include Alyssa Milano, Padma Lakshmi, Tamron Hall and more.

New episodes of Me Becoming Mom drop weekly on Thursdays wherever you stream podcasts.

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