"Every day, every minute, another mother joins us in this club," Kara Keough Bosworth wrote

By Gabrielle Chung
October 15, 2020 11:28 PM
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Kara Keough Bosworth
| Credit: Kara Keough/ Instagram

Kara Keough Bosworth has a message for parents who have also lost a child.

In a lengthy letter addressed to her "fellow loss mom" published by Good Morning America on Wednesday, the 31-year-old actress — who is the daughter of Real Housewives of Orange County star Jeana Keough — opened up about the death of her days-old son McCoy Casey, sharing that while grieving mothers like herself "do die a little bit the day we lose a child," the "new us can be better."

"I wish there was something else I could call you, something else I could call myself. 'Angel Mom' feels too fluffy, and 'Bereaved Mother' sounds like we should be wearing black lace and howling on our knees in a stone church somewhere," she began in the letter which was in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. "Don't get me wrong, we're absolutely still howling. But we're doing it in yoga pants. Lululemons just do a better job of hiding our postpartum bellies and helping us avoid questions like, "When are you due?" or worse, 'How's the baby?!' "

"The fact that the rest of the world keeps spinning the day after ours stops feels like a personal attack," she continued. "We should be labeled with a sticker that reads 'FRAGILE: Handle with care,' because we're one trigger away from racing back to that worst moment."

"The space where our babies should be somehow starts feeling less like a gaping hole and more like an invisible fullness as time goes on. We want to hear their names, we want to think about them and smile, we want to see them in the world around us. Milestones hit us like bricks and time feels jumbled," she wrote.

However, Keough Bosworth — who shares 4-year-old Decker Kate with husband Kyle Bosworth —noted that there's some solace in sharing about the loss.

"Every day, every minute, another mother joins us in this club. It's a club no one wants to be a part of, but the love and compassion within it are unlike any other," she penned. "The instant bond that ignites between two women when we sit together in this pain is almost spiritual. Sorrow like this, grief like ours, carves profound depth into our souls. We're no longer flat, shiny objects, but we're instead embossed by our loss. Somehow more beautiful for it."

Saying that "grief can be an incredible gift," Keough Bosworth explained, "You never know how many people love you until you experience a loss like this."

"Most people don't get the pleasure of realizing how treasured they are until their dying day. And in a way, we do die a little bit the day we lose a child; the old us is gone. But the new us can be better," she wrote.

"The new us can leave pettiness where it belongs. The new us can see beauty where others might pass it by. The new us can love again, despite knowing the risk. That kind of bravery didn't exist in us before. But alas, here we are. Never moving on but moving with."

"Yes, being a mother with empty arms becomes a strange juxtaposition. More joyful despite suffering, more alive despite death and more loving despite loss," she added. "We ask ourselves, 'Where are we supposed to put all this love, all this love that we had reserved for them?' The answer becomes so clear: all around us, of course, and into them, still. Most importantly — and with no hesitations — we must put the love back into ourselves once again."

The former Bravo star's letter comes six months following the loss of her son McCoy, who died after having experienced "shoulder dystocia and a compressed umbilical cord" during his birth.

On April 14, Keough Bosworth announced to her followers that McCoy had died and "joined our Heavenly Father and will live forever in the hearts of his loving parents, his adoring sister, and those that received his life-saving gifts."