November 17, 2010 04:00 PM

Angela Weiss/Getty

It’s safe to say that Julie Bowen has her hands full.

With three sonsOliver, 3½, as well as twins John and Gus, 18 months — and a television family that seems to keep her in a constant state of exasperation, it comes as no surprise that the Emmy-nominated actress was compelled to draw a line in the sand.

What is surprising is just how harsh that line is.

“Oh God, no! No more children,” Bowen, 41, deadpans to PEOPLE at the March of Dimes Fifth Annual Celebration of Babies.

“Seriously, I gave my husband [Scott Phillips] a vasectomy with a rusty fork — it’s done.”

Corroded utensils and veiled threats aside, Bowen has come to terms with her transformation into a full-fledged matriarch.

“I’m late to everything whereas I used to be on time to everything,” the Modern Family star says with a sigh. “But now I am late and unwashed. Thank God for perfume and hairspray.”

At the very least, the little ones at home play an integral role in the actress’ unflinchingly honest assessment of her fitness regimen.

“I lift children for the upper body,” Bowen explains. “I run for the lower body, and for the middle I wear Spanx. That’s it — that’s my three-part system.”

— Reagan Alexander

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