Jamie Otis — mom to daughter Henley, 17 months — lost her son Johnathan at 17 weeks pregnant and has since suffered a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage
After her third pregnancy loss, Jamie Otis is having a self-admittedly difficult time balancing her own grief with her happiness for those she cares about.
Married at First Sight alums Otis and Doug Hehner open up on the newest episode of their Hot Marriage Cool Parents podcast, out Wednesday, about their recent miscarriage and how, despite her deep-down support for her friends who are currently expecting, the personal loss has unavoidably affected Otis’ feelings in a negative way.
“One of the most hurtful parts is that I know a lot of people who are pregnant,” says the labor and delivery nurse, 32. “My due date was Aug. 8 and I know someone due Aug. 9, I know someone who’s due Aug. 21 … I know so many women who are due [around when I was] and we were all pregnant together, so excited.”
“The hardest part is to just watch them continue to have this healthy pregnancy,” Otis continues.
“Or to separate yourself from it,” chimes in Hehner, 35.
Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Parents newsletter.
Hehner goes on to shine a different light on the situation, encouraging his wife to consider how her friends might be feeling.
“What if you were having a healthy pregnancy and then one of your friends had this happen? You would be so sensitive to the fact. You would be there for support,” he says.
“I totally get that, Doug, it’s just hard,” she replies, adding of son Johnathan Edward, whom the spouses lost when Otis was 17 weeks pregnant, “Little boys that were due around Johnathan’s time — how could I not help but wonder what our Johnathan would be like?”
“These are people who I’m very close with and I’m gonna watch them have this healthy, happy pregnancy that I was supposed to have too. And I’m trying not to be anything other than just happy for them,” Otis continues candidly.
RELATED VIDEO: Georgia Woman Welcomes Miracle Rainbow Baby After Five Miscarriages: “She’s Here and She’s Real!”
The difficulties are compounded considering Otis felt from the get-go that this pregnancy would be different, after suffering the 2016 loss of her son as well as a chemical pregnancy late last summer.
“I told Doug, ‘I know this is a good one.’ I felt in my bones that this pregnancy was gonna be all the way,” she recalls. “I just had this feeling that it was gonna be a great pregnancy. I don’t know why because I guess I was wrong.”
“Then I started spotting a little bit and that’s what happened with Johnathan, our angel baby in heaven,” Otis explains. “That’s how it all started.”