"At the same time I think that maybe I'm giving him some lessons in compassion," Jamie-Lynn Sigler says of her older son Beau
In Monday’s episode of Shondaland’s podcast Katie’s Crib, hosted by Scandal star Katie Lowes, the 37-year-old actress opens up about the impact the disease, which damages the central nervous system, has had on her sons Jack Adam, 13 months, and Beau Kyle, 5½.
“Sometimes I feel guilty or I feel bad because I don’t want to put my s— on him,” she told Lowes, 37, speaking of her eldest child with husband Cutter Dykstra.
“But at the same time I think that maybe I’m giving him some lessons in compassion and understanding, and the fact that he’s never pointed a single thing that makes me different – the only thing he’s ever pointed out is just why he loves me.. I’m grateful for him,” she added.
Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Parents newsletter.
The actress went on to share that her guilt towards her son continued as he got older.
“I just started to have these worries that my disability would slow him down, too. You start to get these emotions. I don’t want this to take away anything from his life,” she said. “So I hired a nanny to take him on trips to the beach or things that I couldn’t do or … hiking and things like that, that I wanted him to experience and I wanted him to have fun doing.”
“Of course it killed me that I wasn’t the one doing it, but he comes first,” she added.
Sigler, who was diagnosed with MS when she was 20, but kept the illness a secret until January 2016, remarked that even now she’s “still coming to terms” with the disease.
“Even now when I work, which is very rare, I still deal with this – wanting to look normal, wanting to cover [my MS] up, because that’s what I did for so many years,” she said.
“I think I’m still coming to terms with owning it, and being okay with knowing this is just my body and how I move,” she added.
In a candid post following the birth of her youngest son, Sigler revealed that she had to stop breastfeeding her baby in order to get back on medication.
“The truth is, the toll of two kids and a newborn lifestyle is not the easiest on me … and I need some help,” she wrote on Instagram.
She added, “What sucks is that I live with a disease that makes decisions for me a lot, and with breastfeeding I took SUCH pride that I was able to do something really awesome with this body that I am constantly at war with.”
While MS has thrown a wrench in certain aspects of parenting, Sigler admitted in the past that motherhood encouraged her to publicly reveal her diagnosis.
“I think when you become a mother, you’re much more reflective on things and I was thinking about my son and anticipating as he got older, I would never ask him to hold this secret for me,” the actress told Harry Connick Jr. in November 2016.
She added, “I want to be an example of strength and perseverance and pushing past my circumstances. And so I finally got ready to take my power back and be public with it.”