February 01, 2012 01:00 PM

Courtesy GQ

Life since the death of Heath Ledger has led Michelle Williams down a road filled with twists and turns — none of which she had ever anticipated.

“Nothing has turned out like I expected to,” the My Week with Marilyn star, 31, tells GQ‘s February issue.

“Some things have been better, and some things have been much, much, much worse.”

With no area of her life left “untouched” by the tragic events, Williams admits the deepest pain arises when she envisions the future of the former couple’s 6-year-old daughter Matilda Rose.

“As hard as certain things have been for me, it’s been harder thinking about how things will be for her,” she says.

“I have a lot of things that she doesn’t, and some of what I have I can give to her — the memories that I have, the objects that I have, the physical reminders that I have, the stories.”

And while she realizes Matilda will never “have any [memories] that are solely” hers, the actress reveals one of her “favorite things to imagine” about Ledger was simply the unknown. “It’s actually one of my favorite places to visit,” she says of the possibility that she and Ledger would have reconciled.

Despite their painful past, Williams became determined to find a partner and expand her family further for Matilda’s sake. Within the past few years, however, the single mother has realized more children are not in the cards — for now.

“I really wanted, and I really expected or imagined, that Matilda would have siblings that were close to her age. I wanted that for her,” she explains.

“But I couldn’t make that happen. And now that she’s 6 that isn’t even a possibility anymore. For whatever reason, that’s not our luck, or our path.”

— Anya Leon

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