Colleen Ballinger Says She Feels Like She's 'Failing' as a Mom When Leaving Newborn Twins in NICU

Colleen Ballinger welcomed twins, a boy and a girl, on Nov. 6 in an emergency cesarean section more than seven weeks early

colleen ballinger
Photo: colleen ballinger/ instagram

Colleen Ballinger is giving an update on her newborn twins and expressing the "heartbreak" she feels as they remain in the neonatal intensive care unit.

The YouTube star, 34, and husband Erik Stocklin welcomed twins, a boy and a girl, on Nov. 6, the couple shared on Wednesday. In a video on her YouTube channel announcing the birth, Ballinger revealed that her babies arrived in an emergency cesarean section more than seven weeks early.

On Thursday, the Haters Back Off actress shared in an update on Instagram that her newborns are continuing to receive care in the NICU, which has been "hard" on the mom of three. Ballinger and Stocklin are also parents to 2-year-old son Flynn Timothy.

"This is hard. There are no words to describe the heartbreak I feel when I have to leave my tiny babies at the hospital and go home without them. I cry myself to sleep wishing they were sleeping in their bassinets next to me. I cry when I see their tiny little bodies covered in cords and connected to machines," she begins the lengthy post.

"I cry when my boobs ache in the middle of the night and I have to pump in the dark alone instead of bond with my babies as I feed them. I cry when I'm home because I feel guilty that I'm not with them making sure they know I love them and that I am their protector. We sit in their empty nursery when we come home without them and cry. This is hard."

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"People keep telling me that they are in the best place possible. that they are getting the best care in the world. that it will all be okay. that they will be home soon. that i should take this time to rest and recover," she continues. "I hear you, and I understand all that … but it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't stop my heart from breaking. It doesn't make me feel like I'm not failing as their mama every time I leave them. This is hard."

The comedian went on to give thanks to the "incredible NICU nurses that take such good care of all the tiny babies that need help" as well as other NICU parents who "understand this kind of heartache."

"So I will cry, my heart will break, I will hug my hubby and Flynn tighter, and then I will be strong for my little twins because they are being strong for me. this is hard. but it is temporary. we will be okay. i'm gonna go cuddle and kiss my little worm and my little ladybug now. can't wait to bring my cutie bugs home! 🐛🐞" she concluded.

On Wednesday, Ballinger, best known for her persona as Miranda Sings, also shared photos of the newborns, who the couple has yet to name, on Instagram, writing, "My sweet babies decided to come early" and calling her weekend, "magical chaos."

Ballinger first announced her pregnancy in May, sharing that she was expecting again after having previously suffered a miscarriage. She revealed that she was having twins days later.

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