Claire Holt
Claire Holt/Instagram

"Immediately, there was no flicker, and I saw it straightaway," Claire Holt recalls of the heartbreaking moment she realized she had lost her baby

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February 15, 2019 10:45 AM

Claire Holt is expecting a baby and more than ready to become a mom, but she’s still healing from her loss in 2018.

Almost a year after suffering a miscarriage and undergoing a consequent dilation and curettage procedureThe Originals actress sat down for a chat with Dr. Berlin’s Informed Pregnancy Podcast, where she recalled the initial joy of finding out she was pregnant for the first time and the heartbreaking turn of events shortly thereafter.

Holt, 30, told Dr. Elliot Berlin that although it took her six months to get her period after she went off of birth control, she and husband Andrew Joblon conceived for the first time after just two cycles once her period returned.

But after initially seeing the flicker of a heartbeat at around six weeks pregnant, her doctor told her at an eight-week appointment, ” ‘The baby’s measuring small. Don’t [announce] on Facebook.’ “

“It was so shocking to us. I had no idea what that meant — ‘Is that okay? Do some babies measure small? What do you mean “Don’t put it on Facebook?” Do you mean wait because everyone should wait? Is there a problem — does this mean something? What’s the heart rate?’ ” Holt recalls of her questions following the news.

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“We were both so shocked and confused because we had no reason to believe something was going wrong,” she continues. “I had no bleeding, I had no cramping.”

It didn’t take long for the guilt to creep in, Holt admits: “I just remember feeling this sense of, ‘Oh my God, what have I done? Have I done something? Was this my fault? Should I not have gone running? Did I eat something bad? Was it because I wore perfume? Is it because I had a glass of wine two days before I found out I was pregnant?’ “

“So I really had to focus on getting out of that place and trying to hope that things would be okay,” she says.

RELATED VIDEO: Katie Lowes on Suffering a Miscarriage at Three Months Pregnant: “There Was No Heartbeat”

The couple still held out hope and went back in for an appointment to check on the baby at 11 weeks, which also happened to be Joblon’s birthday. “Immediately, there was no flicker, and I saw it straightaway,” Holt recalls. “The first thing I said was, ‘Where’s the flicker? Where’s the heartbeat?’ “

After the tech looked for a few more minutes, Holt requested for her to turn the sound on, but they heard nothing — an experience she describes as “devastating” for her and her husband.

“I think it was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life,” she says. “It felt like [people close to me dying] times 10 with the guilt of, ‘I couldn’t do this.’ “

Holt’s parents and siblings were in town at the time — which turned out to be a blessing for the star, who says she doesn’t quite understand why others would choose to “suffer through that alone” despite privacy preferences.

RELATED: Claire Holt Is Pregnant After Heartbreaking Miscarriage: “You Never Forget the Deep Pain of Loss”

And given this current pregnancy, Holt has the attitude of, “We get the children that we’re meant to have,” she says of her optimistic outlook on impending motherhood.

“I feel I wouldn’t have met this little guy if that pregnancy had gone ahead and there must be a reason for that,” the mom-to-be explains of her son on the way and the “spiritual” peace she has found since her miscarriage.

“I’ve gotten to a place [where I think] there is a reason that happened to me and as awful as it was, I wouldn’t change it.”

“It’s really hard to say that because I don’t mean in a way like ‘I didn’t want that baby’ or ‘I didn’t want that life’ but I’ve learned so much and can now, hopefully, help other people through [their] journey,” Holt adds.

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