Chrissy Teigen Shares Why She’s ‘Full of Regret’ After Losing Baby Jack: ‘I Miss You So So Much’
"I was so scared of seeing him in my nightmares that I forgot about seeing him in my dreams," she said
Chrissy Teigen is revealing the moment of regret that continues to "hurt every day" following the loss of her son, Jack.
On Thursday, the cookbook author shared an emotional post on Instagram in which she reflected on her immense happiness before she and husband John Legend announced they were expecting a third child in the singer's "Wild" music video last year.
Teigen shared three photos taken during the video shoot for "Wild" in Mexico during which the mom of two was "10 weeks along and out of my mind happy."
"I knew the video would take a bit to get together so thought it would be cute to share our news with the world through the ol classic hand on belly trick at the end," Teigen explained. "I could have never imagined what would happen over the next 10 weeks..."
On Sept. 30, the Chrissy's Court star revealed on Instagram that she and Legend suffered a pregnancy loss, adding that they planned to name their boy Jack. The pair are also parents to daughter Luna Simone, 4, and son Miles Theodore, 2.
Looking back at the "Wild" video where she teased her pregnancy, Teigen said she is "not sure I'll ever be able to watch that video again without sobbing but I hope [Jack] feels my tears and knows we miss him so."
"He would have been here any day now - if he were like Luna and Miles, I'd probably be holding him as we speak," she continued.
Teigen, 35, went on to share that she is "so full of regret" that she did not look at Jack's face when he was born.
"I was so scared of seeing him in my nightmares that I forgot about seeing him in my dreams," she wrote. "I hurt every day from that remorse."
"This month is a rough reminder and to be honest, I thought the worst was over but I guess life and emotions aren't on any sort of schedule," Teigen added.
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The Bring the Funny host concluded the post by thanking her followers for their continued support.
"Love you guys to pieces and am grateful for all your support and love," she wrote. "I firmly believe energy and healing travels through the night sky and I feel it, I promise I do. ❤️ and I love you jack. I miss you so so much."
Teigen's post comes one day after she tweeted that she's feeling "a bit off" since "my little Jack would have been born this week."
She added, "I truly feel kicks in my belly, but it's not phantom. I have surgery for endometriosis tomorrow...but the period feeling this month is exactly like baby kicks. sigh."
Alongside a video of her stomach appearing to subtly move, she wrote, "Look at this. I'll pretend it's him saying hi - it never stops." Teigen, in a subsequent tweet, also asked her followers for insight into endometriosis surgery recovery, asking, "What is the recovery-difficulty level? like can I make soup after?"
Teigen has been open about her grieving process since the heartbreaking pregnancy loss. In November, she said she was in a "bit of a grief depression hole," updating fans a few days later that while it had been "brutal" at the time, she felt like she was improving mentally.
Also in November, Teigen and Legend told PEOPLE they have been able to find a "little bit of sunshine" as they continued to grieve the loss of their son.
"You learn how to cope with it. I am very proud to say that there's multiple different therapies I'm using to hopefully become the same person that I was, and I'm okay with that," Teigen said at the time. "I'm okay with allowing myself to have bad days and good days."