Chrissy Teigen Shares She Hasn't 'Fully Processed' Losing Son Jack While Reflecting on Her N.Y. Life

"Life is so f—ing complicated," Chrissy Teigen wrote on Instagram as she mused about the past year and the loss of pregnancy with her son Jack last September

chrissy teigen
Chrissy Teigen. Photo: JEAN-BAPTISTE LACROIX/AFP via Getty

Chrissy Teigen is continuing to process the grief of losing her son Jack last year.

The Cravings cookbook author, 35, reflected on the difficult year Sunday as she shared a photo of herself and husband John Legend having dinner at the New York City restaurant Frank on Instagram. "Just reminiscing about New York a lot lately, when things were simple, thinking about all the stuff I've done and been through not just this year but in my life," she wrote in the caption.

"I'm slightly down lately. It kind of started when I was thinking of my book caption and typed out 'my third baby is here!!' as in cookbook, then realized my third baby will never be here," Teigen continued. "Then I realized I threw myself into the book to not think of the real, actual third baby. I don't really feel like I fully processed Jack and now that I don't have the alcohol to numb it away, things are just…there, waiting to be acknowledged. I guess what I'm saying here is life is so f—ing complicated. And get the lasagna??? Wow this was a rollercoaster!!!!!"

She revealed last weekend that she dedicated her third cookbook to Jack. Teigen shared the dedication page from Cravings: All Together: Recipes To Love, which hits shelves October 12, featuring the words "For Jack" surrounded by macadamia nut cookies.

Teigen and Legend, 42, announced last September that they suffered the loss of their pregnancy with their third child. Teigen, who suffers from endometriosis, was previously put on bed rest and eventually hospitalized due to excessive bleeding.

"On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it," she wrote in September, announcing their loss. Teigen later revealed in December that she was four weeks sober.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue model also said in December that she would "never" be pregnant again. "Coming to terms with not being able to carry again is still really difficult for me because I feel so healthy. I'm like, why?" she said in March. "But then I think about it as my uterus is just not cooperating with me — and it's not a failure."

RELATED VIDEO: Chrissy Teigen Recalls "Unimaginable" Times From Past Year

Teigen and Legend, who tied the knot in September 2013, also share daughter Luna Simone, 5, and son Miles Theodore, 3, both of whom they conceived via IVF.

"I'm so lucky for that," she told PEOPLE. "I just think of it in terms of how blessed I am already."

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