Carnie Wilson Had Postpartum Hallucinations After the Birth of Her Daughter: 'I Heard a Voice Say, "I'm the Devil"'
"This voice was like, 'I'm the devil ... I'm the devil and I'm gonna kill you," Carnie Wilson recalls of hallucinating after her daughter Lola's birth
For Carnie Wilson, postpartum depression was a very real — and very scary — occurrence.
The mom of two shares more of her story in the new documentary When the Bough Breaks — and PEOPLE has an exclusive clip about her struggle with PPD following the birth of her daughter Lola Sofia, now 11.
“I started hallucinating,” says Wilson, 48, of the day after her cesarean section. “I looked over at Lola from across the hospital room, and this voice was like, ‘I’m the devil. I’m the devil, and I’m gonna kill you.’ “
“And I thought, ‘Okay, that’s a psychotic thought,’ ” she continues. “That’s not me — something else in there is saying that. And I didn’t have any urge to hurt the baby, but it was just a horrible thought. I just wanted it to go away really badly.”
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When the Bough Breaks is executive produced and narrated by Brooke Shields, and is a feature-length documentary addressing postpartum psychosis and depression. Aside from Wilson, it includes stories from celebrities like Tanya Newbould, Aarti Sequeira and The Real Housewives of Orange County‘s Peggy Tanous.
“And then my anxiety came,” shares Wilson — who is also mom to daughter Luciana “Lucy” Bella, 7½ — about when the hallucinations stopped. “I swear to God, I don’t think I was ever more scared or more freaked out than coming home from the hospital.”
The television personality and Wilson Phillips singer explains that the uncertainty tacked on to becoming a mother was something that plagued her thoughts in the beginning.
“I didn’t know what to expect. That’s the thing that’s scary about having your first child — you don’t know what you’re gonna get,” she says. “You don’t know how you’re gonna feel. You know you’re gonna be excited and elated and you’re gonna feel love, but there’s a lot of surprises. A lot of things that nobody can prepare you for.”
When the Bough Breaks is available on iTunes March 14.