"I suppose I never really sat and thought about how beautiful a birthday party in Heaven must be, until now," Brittani Boren Leach wrote Monday

By Jen Juneau
September 01, 2020 02:25 PM
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Brittani Boren Leach and son Crew
Brittani Boren Leach/Instagram

Brittani Boren Leach is continuing to be candid about her feelings as her late son Crew's first birthday approaches.

On Monday, the pregnant YouTube star shared a heartbreaking message about how she felt "a looming cloud of dread washing over" her as the month of September approached, alongside two photos of baby Crew, who died last December at 3 months old.

"I should be planning for his 1st birthday party in two weeks. Instead I find myself lately sitting at red lights looking at pictures, bawling my eyes out behind my sunglasses," Leach wrote. "I suppose I never really sat and thought about how beautiful a birthday party in Heaven must be, until now. I wish I didn't have to, but knowing that I can't even begin to fathom the beauty of Heaven brings me some comfort."

While she didn't necessarily "have any wise words of wisdom" to impart with her post, the grieving mother went on to explain that she wanted to share with her followers "just my broken heart tonight and a precious picture of an angel with the most contagious smile."

"I had no idea I was holding an angel. 🤍," Leach concluded.

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Brittani Boren Leach's son Crew
Brittani Boren/Instagram
Brittani Boren Leach
Brittani Boren Leach/Instagram

Leach and husband Jeff lost their infant son last year after he was found unresponsive while napping on Christmas Day. She announced the tragic news that Crew had died two days later, sharing a photo of her cradling her baby boy's body, with her husband beside her.

Last month, the influencer opened up in a tearful video on her Instagram Story about why she has been more absent lately on social media than usual, revealing that the emotions she's feeling while leading up to late son Crew's first birthday and the first anniversary of his death have been difficult to navigate.

"His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and every single day that it gets closer, it kills me," said Leach. "And everybody's starting to decorate their house for fall, and that also kills me because after fall is Christmas, and I don't wanna decorate for Christmas. I just wanna skip over [it]; I just wanna go to January."

"I knew that this time was gonna be really hard — I'm just afraid that it's gonna be like this all the way up until Christmas, that I live with such dread for the dates to come and I can't even live my life in the present," she added.

Brittani Boren Leach and son Crew
Brittani Boren Leach/ Instagram

RELATED VIDEO: YouTube Star Brittani Boren Leach Announces She Is Pregnant 4 Months After Son Crew's Death

On top of her emotions surrounding the poignant dates approaching, Leach is grappling with feeling both "excited" and "terrified" about becoming a mom again in a few months. (She and Jeff are expecting another baby boy in early December. They also share sons Cooper and Cash, while Leach is mom to son Carter and Jeff is dad to daughter Sydney.)

"I'm terrified that I will never sleep again, that I will never want to put him down, that my anxiety will be completely unmanageable," she said in her emotional video last month. "So if you want to know why I've been absent, why there's been a lot of sponsored content lately, that's because that's all I can get out right now."

"I love you guys all so much. The support I've felt here ... I don't know what I would do without it, truly," Leach went on. "But if you don't like my content — if you don't like me, if you don't like what I do, if you don't agree with me, whatever — please just unfollow. Just leave. It's really that simple. I feel better to get that off of my chest."

Earlier in the day, Leach shared video footage of some of the "so sweet" art her children had made for their mom in an effort to cheer her up, writing, "My kids saw that I was having a hard morning, so they all drew me pictures. Their hearts are so pure."