Brittani Boren Leach in Tears as She Opens Up About Dreading Christmas Anniversary of Son's Death
"I knew that this time was gonna be really hard — I'm just afraid that it's gonna be like this all the way up until Christmas," said Brittani Boren Leach
The most difficult time of year is approaching for Brittani Boren Leach.
On Wednesday, the YouTuber opened up in a tearful video on her Instagram Story about why she has been more absent lately on social media than usual, revealing that the emotions she's feeling while leading up to late son Crew's first birthday and the first anniversary of his death have been difficult to navigate.
"His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and every single day that it gets closer, it kills me," said Leach, who's currently pregnant. "And everybody's starting to decorate their house for fall, and that also kills me because after fall is Christmas, and I don't wanna decorate for Christmas. I just wanna skip over [it]; I just wanna go to January."
Leach and husband Jeff lost their 3-month-old son last year after he was found unresponsive while napping on Christmas Day. She announced the tragic news that Crew had died two days later, sharing a photo of her cradling her baby boy's body, with her husband beside her.
"I knew that this time was gonna be really hard — I'm just afraid that it's gonna be like this all the way up until Christmas, that I live with such dread for the dates to come and I can't even live my life in the present," Leach said on her Instagram Story Wednesday.
Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
On top of her emotions surrounding the poignant dates approaching, Leach is grappling with feeling both "excited" and "terrified" about becoming a mom again in a few months. (She and Jeff are expecting another baby boy in early December.)
"I'm terrified that I will never sleep again, that I will never want to put him down, that my anxiety will be completely unmanageable," she said, sighing. "So if you want to know why I've been absent, why there's been a lot of sponsored content lately, that's because that's all I can get out right now."
"And I love you guys all so much. The support I've felt here ... I don't know what I would do without it, truly," Leach went on. "But if you don't like my content — if you don't like me, if you don't like what I do, if you don't agree with me, whatever — please just unfollow. Just leave. It's really that simple. I feel better to get that off of my chest."
Earlier in the day, Leach shared video footage of some of the "so sweet" art her children had made for their mom in an effort to cheer her up, writing, "My kids saw that I was having a hard morning, so they all drew me pictures. Their hearts are so pure."
RELATED VIDEO: YouTube Star Brittani Boren Leach Announces She Is Pregnant 4 Months After Son Crew's Death
Leach revealed in May that she and Jeff are expecting again, writing alongside a video announcement on her Instagram, "Sent straight from Heaven and without a doubt, hand-picked by big brother Crew himself, estimated to arrive on December 1, 2020. ❤️"
In the video, Leach and her family — including her sons Carter, Cooper and Cash, and stepdaughter Sydney — could be seen walking through a field. Leach then held a photo of Crew in front of her baby bump before the family gathered to carry a present with a note reading, "Heaven Sent."
"We wanted to announce in a way that honored our sweet Crew, so thank you @elliott.beltran for this amazing video," she continued in the post, which also included a quote often used by parents to describe a "rainbow baby" — a child born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.
Leach announced that the couple would welcome another son into the family the following month, writing in part alongside her post, "Can you believe that I have been so blessed to carry FIVE precious little boys?! We know without a doubt that big brother Crew had his hand in helping God create the perfect little brother to join our family."