Snakes, schoolgirls or Smurfs – which do you prefer?

By Nate Jones
Updated December 02, 2013 06:00 PM
Credit: Courtesy Britney Spears

We’re entering a new stage of Britney. In December, the pop princess is embarking on a two-year Vegas residency, soon after the release of her eighth studio album and 13th fragrance, as well as the recent occasion of her 32nd birthday.

This is just the latest in a long line of identities for Spears, who has reinvented herself through more than a decade of pop-chart turbulence. As she settles down into what seems like a comfortable maturity, let’s look back at all of her previous incarnations to find out what your favorite Britney says about you.

Mouseketeer Britney

Like J.D. Salinger, you are fascinated with youth and innocence. There’s something excitingly pure about raw potential, you say, before it gets muddied and compromised by real-world experience. Plus, you think it’s totally adorable that a bunch of super-famous people all hung out together as kids.

Schoolgirl Britney

You have very deep feelings about sex, God and guilt, and equally deep feelings about your own abs. Pom poms, pigtails, and Halloween costumes are “your thing,” and you just can’t seem to get over your first love, Justin. Oops … Jesus. You did it again!

Love Slave Britney

U type like Prince 4 no real reason. Your Facebook picture was taken in a foreign country. You don’t understand why other people are always so afraid of things. Planes are just buses in the sky. Sharks are just fish with bigger teeth. Snakes are just scarves that can move.

K-Fed Britney

A lot of people say they believe in love, but you really believe in love. You like all kinds of love – unrequited love, puppy love, made-for-each-other love – but what really gets you going is over-the-top, messy, chaotic love. Screaming fights and broken glasses: Who says love isn’t perfect just because it doesn’t last?

Blackout Britney

You have a favorite Marilyn Monroe quote. You’ve gotten into the habit of calling yourself a “hot mess” every Sunday morning and now you do it even when you’re not hungover. There are more types of wine in your apartment than there are vegetables. You’ve shared every single Buzzfeed article about “life in your late 20s” – some of them twice.

Judging Britney

You have a love/hate relationship with an older British man. He may be your father. He may be your co-worker. He may be your boss. What you need to know, in any case, is that his opinion does not matter. Not to you, not to anyone.

Space-Age Britney

You love accents. Always have. When you talk in your normal voice, you’re small and vulnerable, a nothing person. Put on a voice, though, and everything changes. You’re the life of the party, pouring drinks, making friends, shooting finger-guns. You wouldn’t have to do this if you were born somewhere else, you think. Then the accent would be your normal voice.

Mama Britney

Soccer mom meets super hero? That’s you, alright. Everything always works out in the end, because you have faith and purpose. Sure, there will be ups and downs, but those struggles ultimately show you what’s really important – focus on them, and you’ll be alright.

Vegas Britney

You love glitz. You love glamor. You love a spectacle. And most of all, you love things you haven’t seen yet, with an unwavering faith that they will be great. A little trust is a good thing.

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