"I'm finding it hard to even get out of bed, hard to smile or feel anything at all," Vienna Girardi shared on Wednesday

Vienna Girardi is mourning the twin girls she lost to miscarriage on the day she was expecting to meet them for the first time.

On Wednesday, what would’ve been The Bachelor alum’s due date, Girardi shared the painful feelings she’s had ever since the Aug. 5 death of her unborn daughters after experiencing twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome at just 18-weeks pregnant.

“Today should have been a day to rejoice and celebrate life… today was my due date,” she wrote on Facebook.

“Instead I’m finding it hard to even get out of bed, hard to smile or feel anything at all. I feel numb as I stand outside watching my dogs; it’s wet and gloomy as if the world knows and feels my pain,” Girardi continued.

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“Each day has gotten easier to for me to put a smile on and pretend everything is ok but not today. I can’t pretend today. I’m hurting, I’m sad and I feel empty. I still wondering why and I still get angry and today I’m mad and sad and just want it to be ok to feel this way,” she concluded.

In August, Girardi revealed she was hospitalized for two days during which she tried “everything to save them,” less than a week after celebrating her twins’ gender reveal on July 30 with family and friends.

“The doctors had warned me that if I did not go into labor and deliver the babies, I was taking the chance of risking my own life and causing an infection in my uterus but they could not survive at only 18 weeks,” the former reality star explained.


“They also said that there was a very slim chance under 5% that the babies could survive and the fluids in their amniotic sacs replenish themselves so as any mother would do I did everything to save them but their hearts stopped beating on day two which is also when I went into a septic shock with 104 fever,” Girardi added.

“My little angels went to Heaven on Aug 5th and I was rushed into the OR for emergency surgery and was in the ICU for 4 days,” she said.

Girardi’s rep Richard Harlow previously told PEOPLE that Girardi spent four days in the ICU after her emergency C-section. “She almost died,” he said.


“Vienna has a long and arduous journey to recovery, yet she is strong and knows her children are at rest in heaven,” he shared. “Her heart is heavy. Having cried with her, I can honestly say this is one of the worst things I’ve experienced with my close friend and client of 7 years. It’s a devastating experience. She wants everyone to know how much she loved her little babies.”

Then in November, Girardi appeared on an episode of The Doctors during which she shared her fears of future miscarriages after traumatically losing her daughters.

“The scariest part is after you have a miscarriage, you start thinking, ‘Am I never gonna be able to have kids again?’ ” Girardi said, adding that before she went into surgery, she’d been told by doctors she might not be able to conceive in the future.

Girardi has since been told by doctors that she will be able to get pregnant again.