"The willingness to finally be happy with my own self has invited a much more vibrant energy around us than before," Machine Gun Kelly said

By Eric Todisco
December 01, 2020 03:05 PM
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Machine Gun Kelly
| Credit: Rich Fury/MTV VMAs 2020/Getty Images for MTV

Machine Gun Kelly is opening up about his mental health and previous drug use.

The rapper, whose real name is Colson Baker, revealed in a candid chat with Dave Franco for Interview magazine that he's begun seeking therapy for his past struggles.

"Currently, my drug of choice is happiness and commitment to the art, rather than commitment to a vice that I believed made the art," Kelly, 30, said. "I'm taking steps. I had my first therapy session last Thursday. That's the first time I ever went, 'Hey, I need to separate these two people,' which is Machine Gun Kelly and Colson Baker. The dichotomy is too intense for me."

While noting that he's "early in the process," Kelly said that he's already begun to get something out of therapy.

"The tools that I've been given to start with seem helpful, I think," he said. "I'm still kind of ripping my hair out. Why am I not changing overnight? How am I supposed to meditate for 10 minutes when I can't even sit in my own brain for two minutes without distracting myself by doing something? That's really hard."

Machine Gun Kelly
| Credit: Jason Sean Weiss/BFA.com

"But the commitment to change is inspiring," the star added, "and I think will reverberate through the universe and definitely through my family. I can see it already with the people around me. The willingness to finally be happy with my own self has invited a much more vibrant energy around us than before."

The "I Think I'm OKAY" rapper went on to tell Franco, 35, that he used to do drugs under the belief that they "unlocked something in your brain."

"Adderall was a huge thing for me for a long time," Kelly said. "And I went from orally taking it to then snorting it, and then it became something where I was scared to ever go into a studio if I didn't have something. I wouldn't even step out unless there was a medicine man who was going to visit me and give me what I needed. And that's where it becomes a problem."

"You're telling yourself you can't do this without that, when really it's in you the whole time," he explained. "If that pill did that for you, then everyone who's taken that would just be making albums and writing songs. And so that limited me. "

Machine Gun Kelly
| Credit: LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 03: Machine Gun Kelly perform during Zedd Presents WELCOME! - Fundraising Concert Benefiting The ACLU - Show at Staples Center on April 3, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jerritt Clark/Getty Images)

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After citing Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker as a mentor during his battle with addiction, Kelly said his girlfriend, Megan Fox, has also been there for him during his struggles.

"When you have a partner, mine being Megan, sitting there with you on those dark nights when you're sweating and not being able to figure out why you're so in your head, to help you get out of your head and put it in perspective, that really, really helps," Kelly told Franco.

Kelly and Fox, 34, met while filming Midnight in the Switchgrass and went public with their relationship over the summer. (Fox and her husband of 10 years Brian Austin Green separated late last year and the actress filed for divorce last week.)