"I was crying because I was feeling this very specific feeling of being too much for somebody," the singer admits

By Mariah Haas
September 08, 2017 12:25 PM
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From performing at the MTV Video Music Awards over the weekend to treating fans to a private concert, Lorde isn’t slowing down — even with the flu.

On Aug. 29, the 20-year-old singer-songwriter took the stage to perform for an iHeartRadio Secret Sessions event at the Houdini Estate in Los Angeles.

“I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve been a little unwell, so I’m just reclaiming my voice now,” Lorde told the crowd, which included celebrity guests Vanessa Hudgens, Bellamy Young and The Bachelor’s Becca Tilley.

She added: “So it’s a joy to do it with you guys. I think it was the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. It was crazy.”

The New Zealand native, who was rocking an all-white outfit, kicked off the AT&T-sponsored show with her single “Homemade Dynamite” before performing a mix of old and new songs including, “Green Light,” “Hard Feelings/Loveless,” “Buzzcut Season,” “Ribs,” “Sober II,” “Writer in the Dark,” “The Louvre,” “Royals” and “Perfect Places.”

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During the hour-long event, Lorde also took a moment to share with fans the inspiration behind her song “Liability,” which she co-wrote with Bleachers frontman Jack Antonoff, for her latest album, Melodrama.

“This is one of the earlier songs we wrote and it’s one that means a lot to me, and I think is going to mean a lot to me for a long time,” Lorde started off. “Some of the songs you write are about emotions that you’ve been feeling for a long, long time.”

She continued: “’Royals’ was the kind of song that I had been thinking about … for two years, and this song [‘Liability’] was the most potent hour of last year. It was just like I had to get it down. It was the craziest feeling, and it’s not a feeling that visits me often, but I’ll never forget it.”

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The star went on to explain a time where she ended up going on a miles-long walk to clear her mind.

“Sometimes you just got to get out of the house, and go for a walk. You feel so terrible, whatever you’re going through and I remember I went on this walk,” she recalled. “It was such an angry walk. And I wanted to walk for as long as I could. I got kind of far. I think I got like eight or 10 kilometers, which is what four miles or something? Three miles?”

And instead of walking back home, Lorde took an Uber where she ended up “crying in the back.”

“It was the kind of crying where I was trying to do it really quietly so that the driver didn’t hear me,” admitted the star.

“He definitely knew I was crying. And I was listening to ‘Higher’ by Rihanna,” Lorde shared before singing the tune for the crowd. “But I listened to that song and I was just crying, and I was crying because I was feeling this very specific feeling of being too much for somebody.”

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Lorde noted that “it’s a very strange feeling when you feel like you’re too much” or “you’re taking up too much space.”

“I felt like, I was like: No one could ever love me for all that I am because I’m a lot,” she explained.

“You know I’m a writer. I may write a song about you,” she admitted. “You may discover there’s a small conversation that we had that is like now a pop song, which I think must be a really interesting, unique feeling for people. But on top of that, I feel everything so deeply and that’s really what Melodrama is about.”

Lorde explained her sophomore album, which was released in March, is “about the depth of emotion, especially when you’re 19 or 20 [years old]”—and that ever since writing “Liability,” she’s “felt such a suit of armor.”

“There’s such a force field between me and that feeling,” shared Lorde. “It’s like writing the song helped me celebrate being too much you know … [it] makes me feel powerful now.”