Justin Bieber Says Bodyguards Would Check His Pulse in Middle of the Night amid Low Point from Drug Use
"It was like I had all this success and it was still like: 'I'm still sad, and I'm still in pain,' " the singer recalled of that period in his life
Justin Bieber is opening up about a dark period in his life.
The "Peaches" singer, 27, got candid about his past drug use in GQ's May issue, revealing that it had gotten to such a low point that security guards would sneak into his bedroom in the middle of the night and check his pulse to make sure he was still alive.
"There was a sense of still yearning for more," he recalled. "It was like I had all this success and it was still like: 'I'm still sad, and I'm still in pain. And I still have these unresolved issues.' And I thought all the success was going to make everything good."
"And so for me, the drugs were a numbing agent to just continue to get through."
"I just lost control of my vision for my career," the pop star continued. "There's all these opinions. And in this industry, you've got people that unfortunately prey on people's insecurities and use that to their benefit. And so when that happens, obviously that makes you angry. And then you're this young angry person who had these big dreams, and then the world just jades you and makes you into this person that you don't want to be. And then you wake up one day and your relationships are f----- up and you're unhappy and you have all this success in the world, but you're just like: Well, what is this worth if I'm still feeling empty inside?"
For Bieber, wife Hailey Baldwin played an immensely important role in realigning his focus — though admittedly "their first year of marriage was really tough because there was a lot going back to the trauma."
"There was just a lack of trust," Bieber remembered. "There was all these things that you don't want to admit to the person that you're with, because it's scary. You don't want to scare them off by saying, 'I'm scared.'"
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Looking at his marriage now, Bieber said he and Baldwin — who tied the knot in September 2018 before hosting a larger second wedding ceremony a year later — are "just creating these moments for us as a couple, as a family, that we're building these memories."
"And it's beautiful that we have that to look forward to. Before, I didn't have that to look forward to in my life," he added. "My home life was unstable. I didn't have a significant other. I didn't have someone to love. I didn't have someone to pour into."
In his profile with GQ, Bieber also credited his faith for helping up deal with his struggles.
"He is grace," the musician said. "I came to a place where I just was like, 'God, if you're real, I need you to help me, because I can't do this on my own. Like, I'm struggling so hard. Every decision I make is out of my own selfish ego.'"
"So I'm just like, 'What is it that you want from me? You put all these desires in my heart for me to sing and perform and to make music—where are these coming from?" Bieber added. "Why is this in my heart? What's the point? What is the point of everything? What is the point of me being on this planet?'"
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please contact the SAMHSA substance abuse helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.