The music mogul revealed to an Instagram user that he 'played' himself by not marrying ex-girlfriend Kim Porter three months after her death

By Nicole Sands
March 05, 2019 02:55 PM

Sean “Diddy” Combs is still mourning the love of his life.

Following the sudden death of his ex-girlfriend Kim Porter last fall, the music mogul, 49, revealed on Monday a heartbreaking regret: never marrying the mother of four of his children.

Posting an old photo of himself cuddling with Porter on a couch, Combs captioned the photo “SMH” (meaning “shaking my head”) with a broken heart emoji.

“When she was alive you didn’t wanna marry her,” one commenter wrote. “I know. Played myself smh,” Diddy replied in a screenshot captured by The Shade Room.

Porter died of lobar pneumonia on Nov. 15 in her Toluca Lake, Calif. home after suffering from flu-like symptoms for days at the time of her death.

The day after Porter’s death, a source told PEOPLE: “Diddy is devastated and shocked. He and Kim were still very close friends and co-parents even though their romantic relationship didn’t work. They were still a family.”

Kim Porter and Sean "Diddy" Combs
Chris Polk/FilmMagic

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Another source close to Combs said that he is “is very much struggling.”

“This is the most awful, sad and unreal situation for him. It’s a nightmare,” the source continued. “He isn’t sleeping. He always had a very special relationship with Kim. Despite not being together romantically, he loved Kim. It was really true love, and he is hurting badly right now.”

Combs broke his silence for the first time after her death on Nov. 17writing on Instagram, “For the last three days I’ve been trying to wake up out of this nightmare. But I haven’t.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you baby. I miss you so much. Today I’m going to pay tribute to you, I’m going to try and find the words to explain our unexplainable relationship,” he added. “We were more than best friends, we were more than soulmates. WE WERE SOME OTHER S—!! And I miss you so much. Super Black Love.”

RELATED: Diddy Breaks Silence on Kim Porter’s Death: ‘I’ve Been Trying to Wake Up Out of This Nightmare’

Porter was buried in her hometown of Columbus, Georgia on Nov. 24. During the elaborate public funeral held at Cascade Hills Church, Combs, 49, arranged for Porter’s casket to travel in a carriage pulled by horses and acclaimed pastor T.D. Jakes officiated the service.

In an audio recording of Combs’ eulogy obtained by TMZ, Combs described his unique relationship with Porter and made a promise to their children: Christian, 20, twins D’Lila Star and Jessie James, 12 (his kids with Porter), Quincy, 27, (Porter’s son from her previous relationship with Al B. Sure! whom Combs helped raise) and Justin, 25, and Chance, 12 (Combs’ children with exes Misa Hylton-Brim and Sarah Chapman, respectively).

Kim Porter, Christian Casey Combs, Quincy Brown, Sean "Diddy" Combs, D'Lila Star Combs and Jessie James Combs attend The Holiday Calendar Special Screening in Los Angeles in Oct. 2018.
Charley Gallay/Getty Images

“I just want to say to my kids, Justin, Christian, D’Lila, Jessie, Chance and the other man in the house, Quincy: Your mother instilled in me this, and I pledge in front of everybody right now that I will always be there for you,” Combs said as the audience applauded. “I will always take care of you.”

Eliciting laughter and claps, Combs added, “To the girls especially, we about to enter some different type of times. I want you to be able to talk to me about everything, and I mean everything, and I mean everything.”

RELATED: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Mourns Ex-Girlfriend Kim Porter as He Sits by Her Gravesite at Cemetery

The couple began dating in the ’90s and had their three children throughout their on-and-off-again relationship.

Combs and Porter broke up in 1999 and battled in court over child support for Christian; Combs also dated Jennifer Lopez for two years before he and Porter reconciled in 2003. They split for the final time in 2007.

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