Essence released audio from their emotional interview with Sean "Diddy" Combs for his May cover story

By Brianne Tracy
May 09, 2019 06:15 PM

This upcoming Mother’s Day will be the first Sean “Diddy” Combs will celebrate without his late love, Kim Porter.

On Thursday, Essence released audio from their interview with the rapper for his May cover story of the magazine (with his permission), in which he can be heard getting emotional after being asked if he’s ready for the holiday.

“Mother’s Day is going to hurt,” Combs, 49, said. “We definitely are going to celebrate all the mothers. We’re not going to get in the way of that. Honestly, anybody that has lost a mother or lost a soulmate — it takes time. It takes time. They say time heals all wounds when it comes to mothers … I don’t think that’s the case. That’s not a negative thing because as people, we need wounds. You need something to sting you sometimes and keep you on point and teach you a lesson.”

Breaking down, Combs said while crying, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going to figure something out though. This hurts so much. I know that people want to hear the good stuff, but it hurts and there ain’t no way around that.”

Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

Combs then explained that he wanted to do the interview to let “everybody know how special all the mothers are,” but that it was hard for him to find the positive in his loss.

“I don’t think anyone would ever understand how hard it is to be a black mother,” he said. “I think we are the strongest beings. When it comes to the strongest beings on the face of the Earth, it would have to be black mothers.”

After Porter died of lobar pneumonia on Nov. 15 at the age of 47, Combs said that he learned more about what it takes to be a mother than ever before since he had to raise their kids without her.

“Nothing came before my family before, but of course there would be a couple of dates I would miss or some things I would miss because I was so into my work,” he said. “I always loved them as a father, but from a mother’s perspective, the kids come first and that’s it. It’s nothing else that really matters from a mother’s perspective.”

“I immediately had the lens of a mother,” he continued. “The lens of me as a father was combined with the lens of a mother. I had to immediately tap into my feminine side and that protective side … I never actually felt emotions like this. My heart was never open like this. I never had my senses like this. It’s been crazy from that point, but I just knew that she was training me for this and I wasn’t scared.”

Sean “Diddy” Combs and his kids
Dana Scruggs

In times when Comb doesn’t know what to do, he said he asks himself, “What would Kim do?”

Combs and Porter shared three children together: twin daughters Jessie James and D’Lila Star, 12, plus son Christian, 21. He also helped raise Porter’s son Quincy, 27, from a previous relationship. (Additionally, Combs is a father to daughter Chance, 12, and son Justin, 25, from previous relationships of his own.)

Sean “Diddy” Combs, Kim Porter and their kids
Sean Combs Instagram

When asked if he has a strategy when it comes to raising daughters, Combs said he was “concerned about that” at first so he went to different women in his life for advice.

“They all were consistent and they told me number one is to listen,” he said. “Make sure that they can speak to me about anything and they know that I’ll really listen. And they know I won’t judge them. I had to let them know I’m always here to listen. I’m here to listen, and I’m not going to judge y’all.”

He added that he was also told not to be “controlling” of them.

“If you try to control, it’s going to push them further away,” he said. “I wouldn’t say I’m free-styling. I would say I’m putting in the work I have to put in to really be able to fill the shoes that are almost impossible to fill. I don’t think that a man could ever fill the shoes that a mother fills … I’m accepting help from her friends that were very close to her … they’re teaching me how to become the best parent that I could be.”

Kim Porter and Sean “Diddy” Combs
Chris Polk/FilmMagic

Though Porter had been suffering from flu-like symptoms for days at the time of her death, Combs said it was still a “total shock” and “surprise.”

“It really woke me up,” he said. “It turned everything upside down. It was the craziest, most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. When they said it hits home or it cuts deep or your world is turned upside down, it was all of that in one.”

Combs also addressed how he responded to a fan by saying that he “played himself” by not marrying Porter after they commented on his photo that “when she was alive, you didn’t wanna marry her.”

“I don’t have no regrets how things went,” he said. “They went the way God wanted them to go, but I was playing with love. It’s not really to be played with. I definitely took for granted that she would be with me forever. I took for granted that something like this could happen.”