I need to go call the Academy and ask why these films didn't get an Oscar

By Andrea Wurzburger
November 21, 2019 01:00 PM
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Eleven years ago, the world was introduced to Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart as Edward Cullen and Bella Swan in the Twilight series, and we’ve never been the same. Not only did the franchise make more than $3 billion worldwide, it created a tidal wave of teens and tweens declaring their allegiance to #TeamJacob and #Team Edward.

Putting aside the fact that the films are about a human high school student who falls in love with a vampire who looks 17 but is actually a century old, some of the dialogue is out of this world. Without the context of the films to put it into some sort of perspective, there are a few lines that are just plain ol’ bonkers (even Pattinson called it “a weird story” just last week). In no particular order, here are some of the quotes to come out of the franchise that made us go …

(For the record, I was personally a Twilight Teen™, and so this comes from a place of nostalgia and reverence for a series that made me wonder if a vampire would come to my school and fall in love with me.)

First up, when Edward admits that he has been essentially stalking Bella and tells her, “I like watching you sleep.”

He says it with such total confidence and Bella is so nonchalant about it that you can almost convince yourself he isn’t committing a felony.

Or when Pattison delivers a truly remarkable line reading of, “You better hold on tight, spider monkey.”

The fact that Pattinson managed to keep a straight face makes this moment Oscar-worthy. The British actor also says it with an old time-y lilt to his voice that makes it *chef’s kiss* perfect.

There’s also the underrated (but just as weird) line from Edward’s sister, Rosalie, who calls her boyfriend Emmett (who is also her brother?) “My monkey man.”

Adoptive family dynamics aside … an interesting pet name choice. That it happens during a bizarre game of vampire baseball is just the icing on the cake.

Eventually (read: immediately), Bella decides that she doesn’t care that her boyfriend is a blood-sucking vampire, and says, “About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

The fact that she is sure he could kill her but also isn’t sure how badly he wants to speaks to this teen girl’s psyche. Somebody help her!

When Edward tries to warn Bella, while shimmering in the sun, “I’m the world’s most dangerous predator, Bella. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that … As if you could outrun me … As if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill.”

To which Bella replies, “I don’t care.” Cool, cool, cool. Totally normal response. And when he tells her that he has killed people before, and that he wants to kill her specifically, she says: “IT DOESN’T MATTER.” Folks, I rest my case.

There’s also this little gem: “It’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”

Edward is talking about, of course, Bella’s blood. It’s also another masterful line reading from Pattinson.

In New Moon, it’s revealed that Jacob is a wolf and one of his pack members simply says, “I guess the wolf’s out of the bag.”

We live for a pun.

In Eclipse, Bella’s trying to get physical with Edward when he tells her, “Stop trying to take your clothes off,” adding, “It might be too late for my soul, but I will protect yours.”

It’s not so much the subject matter here that’ll make you chuckle, it’s more so how dramatic it all is. Although the subject matter will also probably make you chuckle.

And finally, in Breaking Dawn, when Jacob “imprints” on Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee, and (understandably, because her name is awful) gives her a nickname. But that nickname prompts Bella to lose her s—. She screams, “Nessie?! You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!”

Seems like the least of her worries, but what do we know?

Happy birthday, Twilight! We can thank the film for kicking off the careers of plenty of Hollywood’s best actors, for introducing us to werewolves and vampires and for some of the best lines in cinematic history. Oh, and for this creepy CGI baby.