Heathers Turns 30! The Most Essential Quotes from the Teen Cult Classic
Fifteen years before Mean Girls made "fetch" happen, "How very" cemented itself as a teen-slang phrase for the ages. From the fashion to the risk-taking themes, '80s aesthetic, killer acting and dedication to making croquet a thing, Heathers will always be the most "very" film in our hearts.
"What is your damage, Heather?" — Veronica Sawyer (Winona Ryder) to Heather McNamara (Lisanne Falk)
Arguably the most reusable quote from the 1989 cult classic Heathers, this line is perfect for when your upstairs neighbor won't stop blasting music past 10 p.m. on weekdays — sans "Heather," unless that's actually your neighbor's name or you just call everyone Heather (we won't judge).
"F— me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?" – Heather Chandler (Kim Walker) to Veronica
When you'd rather undergo this surely painful experience than mix with the geek squad in the caf for a lunchtime poll taking a maximum of 30 seconds, you know it's time for a popularity intervention.
Romeo and Who-liet?
"Greetings and salutations. You a Heather?" – Jason "J.D." Dean (Christian Slater)
"No, I'm a Veronica … Sawyer." – Veronica
Mix J.D.'s signature catchphrase with Slater's Jack Nicholson-inspired drawl, and you've got an instant teen heartthrob the likes of 1997-era Leonardo DiCaprio can't even compete with.
"Well, they seem to have an open-door policy for a—holes, don’t they?" – J.D. to Kurt Kelly (Lance Fenton) and Ram Sweeney (Patrick Labyorteaux)
In case you weren't already misguidedly in love with J.D. following his first meeting with Veronica, his clapback of the year against Westerburg High's resident jocks sealed the deal.
A Slushy a Day
"The extreme always seems to make an impression." – J.D.
Oh, Veronica, you have no idea. The number of cherry slushies it will take to make up for what this guy is about to do literally does not exist. (But we get it.)
"Lick it up, baby! Lick. It. Up." – Veronica to Heather Chandler
A "resounding cheers from the audience" moment when Veronica instructs the queen bee exactly what to do with the vomit all over her clothes.
Bonus: You can also say this to your very confused dog after you spill food and don't want to clean it up yourself.
Sleeping with the Frenemy
"I just killed my best friend!" – Veronica
"And your worst enemy!" – J.D.
"Same difference!" — Veronica
Nothing like following up a game of strip croquet by serving up a good-old-fashioned drain-cleaner smoothie. (Honorable-mention quote from this scene is Heather Chandler's last words: "Corn Nuts!")
Freeze Your Brain
"Our love is God. Let's go get a slushy." – J.D. to Veronica
If only it were Valentine's Day, J.D. would've nailed the poetry and kooky, unique surprise date in one line.
But alas, it is not, so manipulating his girlfriend into planning a double murder and setting it up to look like a suicide (again) will have to do.
A Change of Heart
"My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son!" — Kurt's dad (Mark Carlton)
"How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?" – J.D., to Veronica
The 2014 musical version of Heathers made the "I love my dead gay son!" scene even better with a secret romantic relationship between Ram and Kurt's dads — complete with an accompanying catchy song-and-dance number, of course.
"Dear Diary: My teen angst bulls— now has a body count." — Veronica
Props to Veronica for not only remembering to journal in times of extreme stress (tell us how!) but risking that fact that her parents could find her diary at any moment for the sake of accurately and thoroughly documenting the hell that is her life.
Prehistoric Talking Points
"Chaos is great! Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling." — J.D.
We were shipping these two from first eye contact as J.D. low-key swooned over Veronica from afar (complete with lots of dreamy eyebrow action), but by this point, we were really starting to root for a dramatic split.
"I do not patronize bunny rabbits." — Veronica's dad (William Cort)
After an entire film of Veronica calling her father an idiot, he finally proves his worth by caping for cute animals.
Granted, he chooses to make a point of how much he's offended by the contrary implication rather than address the fact that his teenage daughter's boyfriend might be a cold-blooded murderer, but it's okay because BUNNIES.
Pressing Your Luck
"If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host." — Veronica to Heather McNamara
To be fair, we can't think of one game-show host even today who doesn't have a smile plastered on their face 24/7. (And Will Ferrell's portrayal of Alex Trebek on Saturday Night Live doesn't count.)
Passing on the Crown
"Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?" — Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty) to Veronica
Heather Chandler gets this line in the musical, but a 17-year-old Doherty saying it proved she had the chops to carry her bad-girl character of Brenda Walsh on Beverly Hills, 90210 beginning just a year after Heathers premiered.
Changing of the Guard
"Veronica, you look like hell!" – Heather Duke
"Yeah? I just got back." – Veronica
With J.D. effectively out of the picture, Veronica speaks for everyone who has ever been bullied when she takes the red scrunchie from Heather, kisses her on the cheek (perfectly sullying her makeup with soot in the process) and declares, "Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town."