Billie Lourd on 'Brutal' Loss of Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds: 'It's Really Hard for Me'

Billie Lourd lost her mom, Carrie Fisher, and her grandma, Debbie Reynolds, one day apart in 2016

Billie Lourd, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds
Billie Lourd with grandmother Debbie Reynolds and mom Carrie Fisher . Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

Billie Lourd is getting candid about the loss of both her mother and her grandma.

The actress, 29, lost her mom, Carrie Fisher, in December 2016. One day later, Fisher's mother and Lourd's grandma, Debbie Reynolds, also died. In the latest episode of the New Day podcast, Lourd opened up about the devastating losses.

"It was brutal. It was really, really brutal, and I still hesitate and stutter because it's really hard for me," Lourd said.

She added, "Because everything I say gets turned into some headline that I didn't mean. There's this one where I said something, and it was like three months after she died. I didn't know what the f--- I was talking about or who the f--- I was or what was going on. And I said something like, 'Well, now that they're gone, I get to just be Billie.' "

Billie Lourd, Carrie Fisher
Billie Lourd/Instagram

Lourd explained she "got out of the shadow of" her mom and grandma, but she "didn't want to get out of this shadow."

"It sounded like I like wanted them to die, and that is absolutely the opposite of what I wanted," the American Horror Story star continued. "I would do anything to get them back, but it sounded like I was excited to have the 'Billie Show.' "

Lourd described her late mom and grandma as her "favorite people," adding that she misses her mom "every day." Fisher, who died after suffering a heart attack, was 60 years old at the time of her death. Reynolds died after suffering a stroke at age 84.

"She was the greatest, funniest person ever. She was my best f------ friend ever. There's no one who will ever be as funny as she is," she said. "She was just — she is amazing."

Lourd said she "really tried to avoid doing things in their shadow" while Reynolds and Fisher were alive "because I wanted to make sure that people knew me separately from them."

Now, she said she wishes she could "do anything with them, really," adding, "But I guess I just tried to separate myself from them while they were alive and now I feel like I kind of I am kind of trying to do the opposite. I try to connect myself to them because I miss them."

Lourd, who became a mom last September with the birth of her first child, has kept her own mom's memory alive with her son Kingston, now 1. In May, Lourd shared a photo of her son dressed as Princess Leia, Fisher's Star Wars character.

In the same New Day interview, Lourd said her mom influenced her own parenting style because she taught her "what not to do" with her child.

"My main job when [Fisher] was alive was taking care of her and making sure she was okay," she said. "I was her main support, and I was 7, for a lot of the time, and that was really hard and that's why I grew up really fast because I was her best friend. I was her mother, I was her kid, I was her everything. And that's one of the things I'm learning not to do with my kid."

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