"In this past year, I have learned an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth of my own heart," Feldstein wrote

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April 16, 2019 09:44 PM

Beanie Feldstein is opening up for the first time about losing her older brother, talent manager Jordan Feldstein.

Jordan, the brother of Feldstein and Jonah Hill, passed away unexpected at the age of 40 from a pulmonary embolism in December 2017. He managed Maroon 5 and Robin Thicke.

The Booksmart actress, 25, wrote an essay called Grief Glasses for InStyle magazine in which she wrote, “Grief is just impossible.”

“It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed,” Feldstein wrote. “To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus.”

“About a year ago, Jordan Feldstein passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person. He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys,” Feldstein continued. “He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name.”

Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images; DPR

She wrote, “In this past year, I have learned an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth of my own heart. The pain is so unbearable at times, so unremitting. Yet, in addition to the deluge of feelings leaking out of me at all times, I have found the process of grief (because it is and will always be a process, never finished, never concluded) to be just as resonant in my mind as it is in my heart.”

RELATED: Jordan Feldstein, Jonah Hill’s Brother and Maroon 5’s Manager, Dead at 40

The Lady Bird actress described grief as wearing a pair of glasses that she can never take off.

“And these glasses make me see the world differently than I did before. The colors bleed together more vividly. But they are somehow more than they ever were before. More visceral. More vibrant. More present. Simultaneously more awe-inspiring and more aching,” she wrote. “Sometimes I can push the glasses to the end of my nose so I can peer over them to see the world the way I used to see. But I can only see over or around to my old perspective. I can never see it totally as it was ever again.”

Feldstein added she “unwillingly” found herself to be a member of “a new club” that she wished didn’t exist.

Jordan Feldstein
DPR

“It is a club full of suffering and questioning but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience. And if you are also in the club, please know you are not alone, because I am also a begrudging member,” she added. “And while I wish I could rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream, I try to recognize what the glasses have given me: that unique blend of humanity that is simultaneously the darkest dark and the brightest bright.”

RELATED: Beanie Feldstein Makes ‘Special’ Cameo in Maroon 5 Music Video 5 Months After Her Brother, the Band’s Manager, Dies

Jonah Hill and Beanie Feldstein
Todd Williamson/Getty Images

After Jordan’s death in December 2017, a representative for the family told PEOPLE in a statement, “Unfortunately, last night Jordan called 911 for shortness of breath, when paramedics arrived it was determined he went into full cardiac arrest and passed away shortly thereafter.”

Since then, the Feldstein and Hill have remained largely silent about Jordan’s death. Feldstein shared a photo of Jordan holding her as a baby on Instagram in December in which she wished him a happy birthday.

The talent manager was CEO and founder of Career Artist Management (CAM), a leading management firm in Beverly Hills, California, that was recognized for being a proactive and energetic force in the entertainment industry.

In addition to working with Maroon 5  — who, under Jordan’s guidance, became one of music’s most successful acts, selling 20 million albums worldwide and winning three Grammy awards — CAM also shepherded the career of Sara Bareilles and worked with a roster of diverse clients that include Miguel, Elle King, Big Boi, Rick Springfield, The B-52’s, and Chromeo.

Jordan was married twice, once to Clint Eastwood’s daughter Francesca (though the marriage, in 2013, was annulled after a week).

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