Why Two Dads Face Down Transphobia to Share Their Family Journey: 'It's Life-Changing for People'

Biff Chaplow and Trystan Reese detail their journey to parenthood publicly and in the new Family Issue of PEOPLE

Like most parents, Trystan Reese and Biff Chaplow have been in survival mode the past 18 months.

The pandemic "has definitely worn on us," says Chaplow, 36, executive director of a nonprofit aiding incarcerated LGBTQ individuals. "It's been tough."

But the Portland-based couple is nothing if not resilient. Married in 2013, they waged a four-year court battle to adopt Chaplow's niece Hailey and nephew Lucas, now 13 and 11, whom they began to care for in 2011 when they discovered they could be removed from Chaplow's sister's home.

"They don't make a parenting book for what we're doing," Chaplow says. "There's no guide for, 'Oh, your niece and nephew are living with you now and you're parenting them full-time, and they're coming from a background that you had nothing to do with.' "

Nils Ericson

As it turns out, though, the dads didn't need a book, settling into fatherhood with the support of friends and family and completing their family in 2017 when Reese, who is trans, carried and birthed son Leo after pausing testosterone therapy. Days are filled with theater camp and skateboard lessons, some Elvis and some storytime, and a few minutes of TikTok and YouTube — finding what Reese calls "those powerful moments of familial connection."

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Nestled in a supportive, inclusive community with families not unlike theirs, "there are so many things we all have in common with each other and so many ways in which we are different and can learn from each other," says Reese, 38. "It's part of what makes this community so exciting and powerful."

When Reese and Chaplow first shared their story, they were faced with what Reese calls "brutal" transphobia online that continues today.

For more from Chaplow and Reese, pick up the Family Issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribe here.

"I called my Dad and asked him not to read comments on stories," Reese recalls. "I told him, 'I don't want you to know what people are saying they think should happen to your son.' "

But Chaplow and Reese — who is CEO of an equity and inclusion consulting firm — continue to live their lives publicly through Reese's Instagram, @biffandi, and new book, How We Do Family: From Adoption to Trans Pregnancy, What We Learned about Love and LGBTQ Parenthood, to let others in their shoes know they aren't alone, and open more minds along the way.

"With more visibility comes greater danger," Reese explains. "We're seeing more anti-trans legislation than we've ever seen before —, 33 states coming after kids, coming after doctors. We see those attacks ramp up anytime there are forward advances."

At the same time, "There's also more trans representation in the media than ever before," he continues. "There are more amazing trans storytellers with platforms now than ever before."

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With their platform, Chaplow and Reese hope to continue growing understanding of the LGBTQ community and the families within it.

"I think a powerful tool for change is building empathy, and how can we build empathy except by listening to the stories of other people?" Reese asks. "Our story is life-changing for parents of LGBTQ people. It changes what they think is possible for their own children."