The Week's Best Celeb Quotes

• “Every time Randy Jackson opens his mouth, I look like a Nobel Prize winner. Every time Simon opens up his mouth, Borat sounds like a Nobel Prize winner Ryan, I really do love him. Almost as much as he loves himself. These three brothers are the best thing to ever happen to me. Just ask my therapists.”
– Paula Abdul, accepting the Woman of the Year award from the Nevada Ballet Theatre

• “I listen to most new music released every week.”
– John Mayer, when asked by an aspiring writer on the MTV reality show I’m From Rolling Stone if he has “ever purchased a Jessica Simpson album”

• “I do have boobs, which is fun. I’ve never had boobs!”
– Pregnant Boston Legal actress Julie Bowen, extolling the virtues of her newfound cleavage on the SAG Awards red carpet

• “There’s a nub where the genitals should be. He has no mouth. I actually posed for this several years ago – I was the buttocks model for the SAG (Awards) Actor. It’s like looking in a mirror.”
– The Office‘s Rainn Wilson, joking about his uncanny resemblance to his SAG Awards trophy

• “It’s about those 10 cast members sitting over there and the other one in rehab. Y’all just hold me together.”
– Chandra Wilson, giving a shout-out to Isaiah Washington while accepting a SAG Award for her Grey’s Anatomy role

• “I’m a completely different person out of rehab. Before I entered rehab I hardly knew who I was. I felt like I was floating and I just needed someone to pull me down.”
– Miss USA Tara Conner, on her new outlook after completing a 31-day rehab program for alcohol addiction, to PEOPLE

• “When we’re together and she’s in her heels, I always feel like Tom Cruise next to Nicole Kidman.”
– Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres, about walking the red carpet with girlfriend Portia de Rossi, to The Advocate

• “I’ve noticed in life that the mother, first, has a primary job – and as a father, your job is to pick a caring, smart, mindful woman.”
– Jake Gyllenhaal, on his selection process for finding the right woman, to GQ

• “I worked with Pam seven years ago and haven’t seen her since. And I’ve never been to that restaurant.”
– George Clooney, in a statement addressing rumors that he went out on a date with Pam Anderson