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“Two-Minute Index” By Sarah Silverman

I always confuse NRA & NPR. Totally different tote bags. * Sometimes when I’m really lonely I talk to myself, but I call myself “you guys.” * There’s no way my heart can handle what’s in an email labeled ELEPHANTS REUNITING AFTER 20 YRS. * Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings. * My dog is right. The bathroom is not a library. * I hate drama = I love drama. * Unfortunate is the man who employs baby talk. * A bull in pretty much any shop is gonna be a mess. * Saying “RELAX” is maybe the least relaxing word you can say to someone. * I still wake up so jazzed that I don’t have to go to school. * Some of the most misogynistic men I know are women. * “I hate clouds,” declared my dad out of nowhere. * Heartbreaking converges with crazy cute at the sight of tiny crutches. * The two saddest consecutive sentences: “He just wants attention. Don’t give it to him.” * Behind every great big bully is a great big bully. * People in cults don’t call their cults cults. * Let’s not wait for the apocalypse or an alien attack to love each other, y’all. * You don’t have to do what’s expected of you. * Just a quick reminder: other people exist. * It bothers me that I’m not your entire world. * We are all 100% going to die someday. * Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can’t breathe you obnoxious boob. * Spoiled rich kids who’ve never heard the word “no” are such a delight to be around in general. * Vote “No” on this spelling of Geoff. * You had me ‘til Hello.

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“Two Minutes of Rambling Wisdom” By Judd Apatow

When I was in high school there were 500 people in my graduating class. Out of those 500 people I had two best friends and five other real friends. So I had a true connection with seven people and did not have a true connection with 493 people. Now I create stories and hope that 500 out of 500 people will appreciate the work. That is impossible. I don’t love most things I see or listen to, why should they? The truth is I should be happy with seven people being touched or amused by my work. I think it is okay to accept the fact that most people won’t get you. We don’t need to like each other so much. We need to be kind and respect each other. Every day I live by only one rule, be a good guy. I am proud of the fact that for the most part I have tried to make the world a better place in small and large ways. I am even more proud of the fact that for the most part I have not ruined the world. I haven’t committed any acts of extreme violence. I don’t litter. I don’t hunt endangered species for sport. I support politicians who appear to want to make the lives of the less fortunate better and who are concerned about our environment. Most of them still make it worse a fair amount of the time, but they are giving it their best shot. I think that is all we can do–give it our best shot. Don’t be a jerk. Try to love everyone. Give more than you take. And do it despite the fact that you only really like about seven out of 500 people. Being cool to the other 493 people is a great thing to do because you want those same 493 people to not give you a hard time when you run into them while ordering your burrito at Chipotle or an airplane or during an international conflict or just a potential road rage incident. Life will be better for all of us if want all 500 to be happy.

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“Two-Minute Recipe for the Perfect Fountain Drink” By Bill Hader

This is a concoction that my sisters and I have been making since we were kids. We measured each ingredient (soda flavor) by tapping the beat of a song on the soda dispenser. For instance, “Row row row your boat” (5 beats on the soda dispenser) is about ½ cup. We got it down to a science, and now you and your sisters can too! (Where necessary I’ve included the writers of the songs for posterity and, in my own way, to give thanks; I guess you could say I consider them co-chefs!) Here’s how it goes: 1 “Row Row Row Your Boat” of Coke * 1 “Shave and a Hair Cut” of grape soda * 1 “G.L.O.R.I.A. Glooooorrrria.” of Mello Yello * 1 “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (“Jeremy”, Pearl Jam) of ginger ale * 3 “Thank you Japan! Good Night!” (The Carpenters: Live in Japan) of Diet Coke * 1 drum solo from “YYZ” (Rush) of Sprite * 1 oboe solo from “Flight of 200 Bumblebees” (Impossible Oboe Tunes) of lemonade * 1 “Stevie, What Were You Doing in Mick’s Room?” (Fleetwood Mac: The Making of Rumours) of Fanta * 2,000,000 “Hey!” (any Arcade Fire song) of root beer * 1 light splash of Dasani If your cup is overflowing at this point, you’ve done something wrong and must start over. If you’re able to follow rules, then enjoy a Hader family tradition!!!