Portlandia's Fred Armisen & Carrie Brownstein's Seriously-Not-Serious 'Rules' for Being a Foodie
Do you consider yourself a foodie?
Wait, before you answer (or cringe at the word itself), there are some unwritten “rules” that must be consulted. To explain further, we enlisted the expertise of cookbook authors Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, who also happen to be the stars, co-writers and co-creators of IFC’s hipster-satire Portlandia.
With a sketch comedy show that often features food-centric themes and a brand-new cookbook — The Portlandia Cookbook: Cook Like a Local — Armisen and Brownstein are the perfect pair to impart their wisdom for eating like you mean it.
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Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s 8 Rules For Being a Foodie
1. When bringing friends to your favorite restaurant, don’t order anything. Just sit and give the kitchen staff a knowing smirk. As food starts to arrive at the table, keep that smirk going, but with a more serious look in your eyes, as if to say to your guests: “Is this not the greatest dish you have ever tried in your whole life?”
2. Eat every part of everything, even if it seems like you shouldn’t. Then calmly say to everyone around you, “you’re supposed to eat the fish bones.”
3. Try to work the words “rustic” and “Peruvian” into as much conversation as you can. Maybe also, “Baltimore.”
4. Brag about how far you’ve traveled around the world to find a perfect meal. Add that you are planning to find some good local food in outer space.
5. Order in the language associated with the cuisine. If your server doesn’t speak French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Vietnamese, etc., insist on asking about a few key menu items with a very heavy accent. As you speak, turn slightly away from the table so that neighboring diners can be duly impressed by your worldliness. If you hear another customer engaging in a similar routine, make sure to wink at them or give them a pat on the back on your way out.
6. Remember: The further you drive, the better the food. Drag your friends to a dingy hole-in-the-wall on the outskirts of town because that’s where the more authentic version of hamburgers, ribs, banh mi, and tacos are. Call the owner by his or her first name to let your compatriots know that you are a regular. Rave about the styrofoam cups and insist that all beverages taste better in them.
7. Give a history lesson. As far as you’re concerned, everyone at your table wants to know the story of truffles. Bonus points for explaining how various ingredients are used in different cultures across the globe. Even more bonus points for not letting anyone eat until you’ve finished your story.
8. Insects. They’re the new frontier. Be the first of your friends to bring them to a dinner party.
For more from Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein — including one of their favorite snack recipes — pick up this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday