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Bad Santas, bacon-related arson and naked bread thieves – the gang's all here

By Alex Heigl
November 24, 2014 04:40 PM
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Credit: Courtesy Ventura County Fire Department(2)

Every year, we report on dozens of crime stories. There’s nothing funny about most of them, but occasionally there’s something – or a few things – to make us laugh.

And because last year, we did dumb crime, this year we decided to pivot a little and take a look at what we’re terming “inexplicable” crime. The crimes that follow aren’t necessarily stupid, they’re just kind of incomprehensible.

1. Lori Sullenberger’s Hospital Bed Drug Deals
Sullenberger, 41, of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, was allegedly running a thriving heroin business out of her hospital room. After an undercover office bought $90 worth of heroin from her, police searched her room and found a staggering $3,800 worth of heroin, plus an additional $1,400 in cash. That’s one way to pay for your hospital stay.

King, also a Pennsylvania native, told police he climbed through his neighbor’s window in search of some eggs to borrow to make breakfast. He was unable to explain why he’d been looking in dresser and cabinet drawers throughout the house, though.

3. Arthur Zilberstein’s Mid-Surgery Sexts
Seattle anesthesiologist Zilberstein was charged with sending multiple sexually explicit selfies and sexts mid-procedures. Our favorite? “I’m hella busy with C sections.”

New York City resident Bastar stole a bread truck on Manhattan’s Upper East Side – wearing only his underwear – and gradually delivered $8,000 worth of baked goods to various strangers. Guess he’s not a Paleo diet kinda guy.

5. Carmine Cervellino’s Passive-Aggressive Watermelon Murder
We’ll just leave you with the Associated Press’s wonderfully dry description: “A 49-year-old Connecticut man faces threatening charges after a woman told police he stabbed a watermelon in a passive-aggressive manner.”

6. Unauthorized Tattoo Job on a 12-Year-Old
Again in Pennsylvania, 30-year-old Melissa Becker and 33-year-old Randall Charlton III pleaded guilty to a series of charges stemming from the fact that the pair tattooed a 12-year-old staying at their home with a smiley face and a “vulgar term for a woman.”

The aptly named Crispi faces charges that she used burning bacon to start a fire inside her ex-boyfriend’s house. (Her blood alcohol content was 0.346, which is over four times the legal limit and well over the recommended level for cooking bacon.)

Perhaps seeking to top 2013’s record-setting lighting of 30,581 jack-o’-lanterns, individuals at Keene, New Hampshire’s 24th annual Pumpkin Festival overturned cars, threw bottles and started fires. The Great Pumpkin would be displeased.

9. Woman Stuck in Chimney Removed, Arrested
30-year-old California resident Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa found herself lodged in the chimney of the home of a man she allegedly dated (pictured at top) and had to be rescued by the fire department, who chiseled away much of the chimney and lubricated it with dish soap to free her. She was then arrested.

10. Romanian Princess’s Cockfighting Ring
Irina Walker, 61, is the third daughter of former Romanian King Michael I. She and her husband John Walker – a former sheriff’s deputy – staged at least 10 cockfights at their rural home in Irrigon, Oregon. Think about those two statements, then meditate on Nathaniel Hawthorne’s quote, “Families are always rising and falling in America.” Repeat.

Butler, 26, was arrested twice in three hours in upstate New York around Halloween, dressed as a zombie. Police were “baffled” as to how she found her way back to her vehicle, perhaps underestimating the supernatural powers of the undead.

Jennifer Crosby, 43, gave police the name of her 22-year-old daughter when stopped while driving. Questioned about it, she said she had “a condition that makes her age faster,” according to the police report. BONUS: This was Crosby’s second arrest of 2014 – she was arrested in June for possession of crack cocaine, which she’d hidden inside her vagina, wrapped in a piece of foil. “Ouch,” she said, according to a police report. “The foil is hurting the inside of my vagina.”

That’s all. No further explanation needed.

For more crazy crimes of 2014, pick up the new issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands now