Jana Kramer Says Ex Mike Caussin 'Swore There Was Nothing' Weeks Before Split Due to Infidelity
"I don't know if I want to do this show anymore if I'm being completely honest," the country singer and actress said as she started to open up on her podcast
Jana Kramer is grieving the end of her marriage.
On Monday, the country singer/actress went on her Whine Down podcast — now no longer co-branded with estranged husband Mike Caussin's name — to speak about the grief she's facing following her divorce filing. Kramer was emotional throughout as she opened up about what led her to making the decision to leave.
"I filed for divorce a few weeks ago and it has not been easy, I'll say that," Kramer, 37, said at the start of the show, before adding, "I don't know if I want to do this show anymore if I'm being completely honest. I started the show by myself, and it's something I always wanted to do... It just felt like ours, and now it just feels weird not having him on here. It just feels weird."
Pal Sara Gretzky — who flew into Nashville to accompany Kramer — tried to boost Kramer's confidence, saying she has an "insane army" of fans behind her and that she's "so strong" for addressing her divorce on the podcast so directly.
"When I grieve, I isolate. I don't respond to my people and I just stay in my bed," Kramer said. "I had a friend come over the other day and she's just like 'You have to get out of bed...' I don't know how to sometimes… The morning and the night are the hardest because I wake up because it's like that scene in Sex and the City where she's like, 'Was it a dream?'"
"It's so hard when I have all these feelings and emotions and then I have to be a mom on top of it, Kramer added in tears, referring to her two children with Caussin, son Jace Joseph, 2, and daughter Jolie Rae, 5. "The first week I counted down to nap time cause I can go in my room and just shut the door and cry, just cry and then button it back up."
Later in the podcast, her producer asked if there was anything that brought her a sense of relief. Kramer said it was "nice to not have to wonder and worry" because she was "always afraid of that moment," referring to discovering infidelity. (A source previously told PEOPLE that Caussin broke Kramer's trust again before she filed for divorce. Neither Caussin nor his rep has responded to PEOPLE'S multiple requests for comment on that allegation.)
"We even had a conversation before everything came to light and I was just like, 'If there's anything, I don't want to find it. Whatever it is, we can work through it,'" she said. "It was just such a connected moment. He swore on his sobriety there was nothing."
The podcast host shared that she suffered from intense depression following the split, saying that she "couldn't even put glasses in the dishwasher."
RELATED VIDEO: Jana Kramer Speaks Out with an Empowering Message After Filing for Divorce from Ex Mike Caussin
"I still don't have the strength. I just have no choice… I'm the weakest I've ever been... I went to my therapist a few weeks ago and be like, 'Fine, I'll live this life. I don't want to break up my family. I didn't want this for the kids,'" she said. "I've stayed for my kids even when other things happened but my therapist was like, 'You don't want to live this life where it's taking your light away.'"
"I didn't want this at the end of the day. Where I'm at is — I'm embarrassed," Kramer added. "I'm embarrassed that this is how it ended, and I also think that I've let people down. We've come on here and we've fought, and we fought for it. The words that were spoken, they were honest from me is what I'll say."
Kramer later said she's worried about the first time her children have to leave her home to be with their father.
"The first time they leave for overnight, I'm going to be destroyed. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I worked for," she said. "It's not what I fought for. And it's not fair, and that's what makes me so angry, I worked too damn hard for it to end this way."
"I always thought I was strong by staying. I'm now weak for staying," she added.
Kramer and Caussin were married for six years. They briefly split in 2016 before she filed for divorce in April.